John Lee's new book--The Half-Lived Life: Overcoming Passivity and Rediscovering Your Authentic Self

Dear friends, clients, colleagues and customers: I turn 60 this month and my latest book The Half-Lived Life: Overcoming Passivity and Rediscovering Our Authentic Self is (in my opinion and other’s) the best and most important thing I’ve written since The Flying Boy. I hope and request that you support this unique look at an over-looked pattern and problem that faces millions today.

“Passivity is the compulsion to pursue the opposite of what we say we want.” Excerpt from The Half-Lived Life.

“John Lee mentions that "very little has been written about passivity in men." Men are always assumed to be hard-drivers, but they live out their passivity in a disguised way. This book will help both men and women see that.” -Robert Bly poet and author of Iron John

“Take advantage of John Lee’s wisdom, wit and wonderful ways to truly transform your life. If anyone can create a path of transformation for your life, John Lee can and will in this book. He has lived the pages and now passes the personal power on to you.” --Pat Love, co-author, Never Be Lonely Again: The Way

The Half-Lived Life: Overcoming Passivity and Rediscovering Your Authentic Self [Hardcover]

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Watch For Upcoming Books:
*Emotional Intelligence for Couples (Turner Publishing: Summer of 2011)
*The Half-Lived Life: Overcoming Passivity and Rediscovering Your Authentic Self (Lyon's Press: December 2011)

Sign Up For Three-Day Workshop:
Talk, Connect, Heal and Celebrate
October 7-9, Rowe Camp & Conference Center, Rowe, MA

For more information, please visit johnleebooks.com or call 678.494.1296

Now You Tell Me

What makes you angry? Every time someone does, doesn't do, says, doesn't say?? You always get angry. How do you deal with your anger? What do you do when it slips over into rage? Anything you can tell me about anger will help me to help others so I'm listening.

What were you taught about anger when you were growing up?

Who was allowed to show anger in your home?

Thanks so much for answering these questions. There are now over 80 posts on this blog dealing with anger. I hope they help.

Beginning in Sept. my 1-3 day intensives will be available in Austin, Tx. as well as Mentone, AL. I appreciate your support.

How To Tell The Difference

HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANGER AND RAGE
There are a number of ways to tell the differences between rage and anger:

•Rage takes a long time to express—hours, days, weeks, months, years and lifetimes.
•Anger expressed appropriately takes minutes at the most.
•Rage is never resolved in a short conversation.
•Anger is done in a sentence or two, maybe even three or four.
•Rage consists of paragraphs, pages, volumes and epics.
•With rage there is no relief when expressed.
•Anger expressed relaxes us and sometimes even the other person because now they feel safer with us because they know how we feel.
•Rage always equals distance, disaster, and divorce.

Which do you do? There are now over 80 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Beginning in Sept. 1-3 Day intensives will be available in Austin, Tx. as well as Mentone, AL.

Codependency, Resentment and Anger II

A codependent is forever relying on external sources to make and keep them happy. If they have enough money they’re happy and if they don’t they’re unable to be calm and at peace. If their children are happy then they are happy. If their wife or husband is doing well then they feel they are doing well. If momma is happy or daddy is happy then everyone in the family is temporarily comfortable, and secure.
There is little or no ability in a codependent to internally create peace of mind, serenity, self-esteem, and self-worth as we focus on others and in the process look damn good and burned out.

There are more than 75 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

BEGINNING SEPT. 1-3 DAY LONG INTENSIVES AVAILABLE IN AUSTIN, TX.

Codpendency Continues To Increase Anger

Codependency is an unfair, uneven exchange of energy. The Codependent gives and gives and gets little if anything. The Codependent enters a room feeling good, happy, and full of energy only to see someone sad, tired and lonely. The classic codependent leaves feeling sad, tired, and lonely but satisfied that the other person feels much better than before they came. Codependency is the way people numb their own feelings.

There are over 75 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

BEGINNING IN SEPT. 1-3 DAY INTENSIVES IN AUSTIN, TX.

Codependency, Resentment and Anger

Codependency has become a familiar term these days. You here it mentioned in sit-coms. But while it is familiar it’s still very misunderstood and still one of the leading causes of divorce, misunderstandings, pain and relationship problems at home and work in part because the codependent person is often resentful and thus very angry.
So what is codependency anyhow? Codependency is an immersion and pre-occupation with everybody’s business but our own. It is making sure everyone’s needs are taken care of while neglecting our own needs.

Tomorrow I will define this common complaint more thoroughly.

There are now over 75 posts regarding anger, rage, and much more in this blog. I hope they help.

Staying True To Ourselves Decreases Anger

Good boundaries and limits actually increase intimacy, clarity, communication, and vulnerability because you can say “no” when you need to. You can also say “yes” when you want to. You know where you stand and let others know more about you. It enhances other people’s feelings of safety and trust because they can rely on you when you say: “no more,” “enough,” “stop,” or, “its okay, you can come closer. When we don’t compromise our boundaries and limits no matter what someone may think and stay true to ourselves, everyone involved wins in the long run of any relationship but if we don’t we can end up becoming very Codependent which seriously undermines any attempt or effort we make to become more emotionally intelligent people.

Emotional Intelligence, Boundaries and Anger

The emotionally intelligent adult can easily set boundaries and limits that can be pulled in, extended or shifted based on choice, new information, or more experience; depending on the individual situations and people. Our boundaries and limits are clear to us and to those we live with, love, or work with. Good boundaries and limits help protect us without isolating or pushing people away. They keep us at a safe distance so that we don’t have to accept anyone’s rage, shaming, or abusive words, actions or demeaning behaviors.

There are now over 75 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Knowing Your Limits Reduces Anger and Rage

PURPOSES OF LIMITS
Limits not only help us establish the difference between caring for and care-taking, they separate quantity from quality. Caring for and staying within one's limits leaves us feeling like there has been a compassionate exchange of time, energy, respect, and love. Care-taking very often leaves us drained, exhausted and resentful because we went way past our limits.
Here are a few more examples of less dramatic ways to thinks about limits:
•I’ll only be able to go one more week.
•I’ll explain this two more times.
•I can talk about his for thirty minutes.
•I’ll give my boss one month to respond to my request.

Going Past Your Limits

Shirley calls me up and says, "I'm so angry at my son I could just wring his head off."
"Tell me about it," I said.
"I told him I would put him through two of the best rehabs in the country and then if they didn't get him off drugs he'd be on his own."
"How did that go?"
"I have put him through four rehabs and he still uses."
"So you are angry at him because he doesn't know your limits any better than you do?"
Luckily for me she laughed.
A limit says, "This is how far I will go along with _________." You fill in the blank.
Knowing what our limits are and honoring them can reduce anger and rage significantly.

In this blog there is now over 70 lessons on anger management. Hope they help.

The Fine Line Between Anger and Rage

So you are angry, angrier, angriest you've been in a long time but then all of a sudden you have crossed that invisible line into rage. Now your words don't make any sense, even you are not sure what you are trying so say; it takes you ten times longer to say it and your blood pressure is headed towards the roof that you are trying to raise with sheer bluster and noise. Welcome to the land of rage--the place you said you would never go like those you saw going there when you were a kid.

Rage is anger's ugly cousin and always ends in distance, disasters and divorce.

In this blog there is now over 70 short posts about anger management and how to avoid rage. Hope they help.

Just What Is Anger Anyway?

Anger is the most misunderstood, maligned emotion men, women, children have on a regular basis. Anger is a feeling--nothing more--nothing less. It is an emotional response to injustice, abuse and inappropriate behaviors and words. Anger is for getting out of stuck places. Sadness and grief is for having been in them for so long. Anger is energy and when it is expressed appropriately equals more energy, intimacy and serenity.

Why then is everyone so afraid of this basic, primary emotion? Because it is confused with its' ugly kissing cousin Rage which hurts everyone and always equals distance, disaster and divorce.

When did you first become afraid of your own or other people's anger that was really rage in disguise?

Growing Up With Anger or Rage?

Bill said to me, "My father was the angriest man I've ever known." Sherry said, "My husband is angry all the time." Sam said, "Why is my wife so angry all the time?" When I asked them all to tell me how they expressed their anger we found these people weren't ever angry but they were full of rage and were either in-ragers or out-ragers. Remember anger is a feeling that if expressed appropriately hurts or injures no one. Rage is an action or behavior that numbs people's feelings of sadness, fear, loneliness and even anger and always hurts everyone.

Do you get angry? Or do you get in-raged or gravitate to outrage?

There are now more than 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Disproportional Anger equals Rage

"You are making a mountain out of a molehill." "Where is all of this coming from?" "This is too much to be just about..." All of these are trying to tell us that we are over-reacting and "blowing things out of proportion." When we are using excessive energy, too many words and taking to long to tell someone that we are angry we have usually crossed that invisible line and are now in rage territory. Now no one is going to listen or take us seriously nor should they until we are giving the issue "just due."

There are more than 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Boundary Violations and Anger

A boundary violation is when someone knows that Jennifer doesn’t like to be teased about her hair and they do it anyway. Being told that the volume is too loud and then they persist—violation. Having been told someone doesn’t like to be hugged by strangers and the person keeps pushing to do so—violation. Of course there are much more serious violations than the above examples, but you get the picture.
How do you know when a boundary violation has taken place until you are really familiar and comfortable with yours and other’s boundaries? One answer is you will be a little or a lot angry. Good boundaries reduces anger and rage.

There are over 50 lessons on Anger Management and much more in this blog. I hope it helps.

Building Boundaries & Tearing Down Walls

As I said in yesterday's post. Good boundaries can reduce anger and rage.
First, a boundary is not a wall. Walls are put in place by people who cannot establish boundaries or do not know how to establish boundaries. We can tell the difference between a boundary and a wall by looking at our family and friends to see if they have flat heads from banging them against our walls or calluses on their hands from trying to tear them down. Many of us know more about wall construction than boundary building.
Boundaries help us to separate our thoughts and feelings from those of other people—including, but not limited to—our parents, children, spouses, or friends. Boundaries help us figure out who we are and who we aren’t. They show us where we begin and end and where someone else begins and ends, by establishing the appropriate psychological, emotional, and physical space between us.

There are over 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Boundaries Reduce Anger

Good boundaries can reduce anger and rage by 50-80 percent. Boundaries are lines that you draw in the sand, on the carpet, in the air, in your soul, in your body and in life in general. These are lines that others can’t cross without consequences and repercussions. A boundary is not imaginary, though you may not be able to see it. It says, “This is how close you can come to me—physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually and verbally.”

Are your boundaries intact?

There are 51 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

The Interrogator, Intimidator and Poor Me

"What time did I tell you to be home?" "How many more times do we have to discuss this?" "Who were you with?" "How much did you have to drink?" The interrogator fires off a rapid series of questions. They have a way to make you talk.

The Intimidator gets big and loud and fills up the whole room so everyone in it will get small and quiet or they fill up the office or room with silence so thick you can cut it with a knife.

The Poor Me says, "It is not my fault I am late for the meeting. I got a phone call just as I was getting ready to leave and they just kept talking and talking. Don't blame me, blame them."

All three are forms that rage takes. Which one do you gravitate to?

There are 51 other lessons on this blog. I hope they help.

Fine and Whatever

"Fine!" says the enraged man or woman as they turn and walk away. "Whatever!" says the troubled teen as they throw up their hand in disgust and pout for the rest of the day. Put the two together--"Fine! Whatever!" and you have the three ways people go distant when it comes to conflict or confrontation. All three are soft rage and we hear or see someone using them all the time.

There are four styles of rage and the Distancer is one of them. In tomorrow's post I will go into two or three more.

There are 51 other lessons in the archive section of this blog. I hope they help.

"Don't Analyze Me"

"Are you angry with me."
"No. I'm just trying to figure you out. I want to understand why you did what you did, said what you said and didn't do what I told you to do."
Most people hate to be "analyzed" when they are not asking for it or paying for it. It is a form of disrespectful soft rage. It suggests that the person who is doing the analyzing is superior to the one getting a free Freudian session.

Have you been angry with someone but didn't want to feel it or express it and you employed some of the behaviors I have mentioned in this blog the last few days? Most of us have.

There are over 50 other lessons on anger and anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Judge and Jury and Anger and Rage

Most people spend a lot of time judging and finding lots of people guilty. When many think they are telling someone how they feel they are really judging the other person's behavior, character, personality, decisions and actions. "You shouldn't have said what you said, did what you did,and was wrong for doing so." In other words I'm going to tell you about you and then when I get finished doing so you are going to judge how I said what I said, should have said something different or better and then when you're finished it is my turn again. At the end of this torturous trial we are all found guilty and you don't know any more about me and I don't know any more about you.

Have you been judge and jury recently while you were just "telling" someone how you feel?

There are 51 more lessons on anger and anger management in this blog. Hope it helps.

Preaching The Gospel According To You

Have you ever preached the gospel according to you? You pull out the book of Mom or Dad, Friend or Lover and turn to chapter and verse only to find out no one in your family signed up to be members of your congregation.
Don't get me wrong. If you go to church, temple, mosque you expect to get some good preachin'. Preaching "at" someone can be one of the worst kinds of soft rage.

Trying to "teach" someone can be just as abusive unless they are really registered for your class.

There are 51 other lessons on this blog. Hope it helps a little.

Unsolicited Criticism--Anger or Rage?

"You are not going out of the house looking like that? What will people think?" "You're not going to wear that to work." "A woman your age should never..." Well you get the pictures. Unsolicited criticism is one of the most subtle forms of soft rage there is. "Listen, I'm just telling you this because I love you." "I know it is none of my business BUT..."
Unless a person asks for "feedback," "input," or your advice they probably don't really want to hear it and if they do drop their boundaries and take it in anyway there will probably be resentment.

There are 51 lessons posted on this blog regarding anger, rage, regression and much more. I hope you find them useful.

Demeaning and Demoralizing and Anger

Demeaning--"I don't think you are ever going to fully understand. You just aren't that insightful." Demoralizing--"You are never going to amount to anything." Many people use demeaning and demoralizing language when they "think" they are telling someone how they feel. When we express anger appropriately we tell the other person about ourselves and when we rage we tell the person about themselves.
Raging--I'm going to tell you about you. Anger--I'm going to tell you about me.

Which one do you tend to gravitate to--shaming, blaming, demeaning, or demoralizing?

In tomorrow's blog I will go into two more raging behaviors.

There are 51 lessons on anger posted in this blog.

Shaming and Blaming

"I can't believe you would do such a thing," which is rage code for "shame on you." Blaming--"If you had gotten into therapy when I first asked you to we wouldn't be in this mess." Shaming and blaming statements are two of the behaviors that "soft rage" can take but really there is nothing "soft" about them.

Who used "shame on you" on you? When did you blame someone for your feelings?

In this blog there are 51 lessons on anger and anger management. Thanks for your support. In tomorrow's blog post I will present two more methods people tend to employ when they "think" they are telling someone how they feel. Be well.

No Joke--anger or rage?

Freud declared in his book Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious that laughter is a "discharge of psychical energy." Everyone loves a "good" joke because we can learn a lot while laughing. As the writer George Bernard Shaw said, "When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth."
However no one likes to be the "butt" of a joke. Jokes that demeans, demoralizes or belittles are more often than not a form that rage takes. Anytime you have to add at the end of a joke that "it is just a joke" it probably isn't a joke. The one telling it usually has to add, "I was just kidding."

There are 17 more things many/most people "do" when they think they are expressing their anger. Tomorrow I will look at two of the big ones. The other fifteen can be found in my book The Anger Solution. Thanks for your support.

Residual Emotional Energy

Rage is the energy of anger that has been repressed, bottled-up, swallowed, stuffed and stored in the body for so long that it becomes toxic. When this residual energy is discharged in "safe," sane ways then the response time to things, people or situations that make us angry is decreased. In the old, old days we had safe outlets like theater, real drama, real comedy just to name a few that would let us discharge and dissipate pent up emotions. Rage released in ways that hurt no one is one of the best remedies for getting current with your emotional life and increases well-being.

My blog has 51 other lessons about anger and much more as does my book The Anger Solution. I appreciate your time and support.

More Differences Between Anger and Rage

Expressing anger appropriately draws people into a conversation. Rage pushes everyone out the door. Anger can be used effectively to deal with conflicts and confrontations. Rage creates more conflict and invites chaos. Rage equals distance, disaster and divorce. Rage actually runs from conflict though it may temporarily appear as if the person doing it is engaged.

On my blog theangersolutionbyjohnlee.blogspot.com you will find 51 lessons and in my book The Anger Solution available in bookstores and online you will find even more useful info. Thanks for your continued support.

The Differences Between Anger and Rage

Anger is a feeling. Rage is an action or behavior that numbs people's feelings as successfully as any drug or alcohol. Anger is about what is happening, not happening, being said or done or not said or done in the "here and now." Rage is about what has happened in the recent or distant past. Anger takes minutes or moments at the most to be expressed appropriately and rage takes forever and forever and is never appropriate.
More differences in tomorrow's blog. See the 51 lessons already posted on The Anger Solution blog.

Question: Do you tend to express anger or rage?

Anger is a primary feeling

Many people have been told and convinced by others that anger is a "secondary" feeling or not a feeling at all but rather it covers up feelings of fear, sadness and other emotions. Rage is what covers and numbs people's feeling of sadness, fear, loneliness and even anger.
I have posted 51 lessons on this blog that will prove that anger is a feeling. In my next blog post I will tell you the differences between anger and its ugly kissin' cousin rage.

I'm Back with More Info on Anger

Anger expressed appropriately equals energy, intimacy and peace of mind. However, the key word is "appropriately." Most people have never seen, heard or spoken anger appropriately. That is what my books The Anger Solution, The Missing Peace and Facing the Fire:Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately and this daily blog is all about and much more. I hope you will join me with your questions, comments, concerns and experiences with this very misunderstood emotion.

Currently on my blog I have 51 lessons about Anger work, anger management and much more.

Question: What makes you angry quite often but you don't know how to express it?