Your Brain On Rage--Lesson 27

THE BRAIN AND REGRESSION
The amygdala might be called the “little memory that keeps us safe” portion of the brain. In other words this almond shaped portion of the brain remembers that thirty years ago someone in a black coat screamed at you and scared you to death. Thirty years later you see a man in a black coat coming towards you and you feel two inches tall and want to run and hide even though you don’t know the person and they haven’t said a word.

When we lose it we leave the neo-cortex and head straight for the oldest part of the brain—the reptilian brain. This portion of the brain is only capable of notifying us when to eat, excrete, procreate, fight, flight or freeze—no logic, no reason, no choice—just the basic survival abilities. The reptilian brain can’t choose to express anger appropriately, it can only rage.

Here’s the key: when we regress we go into fight mode—not with clubs like our ancestors, but with hard words and even harsher silence. Or we run away, fly away, drive away and get the hell out of there. If we can’t fly or fight we freeze like the gazelle that can’t outrun or overcome the faster cheetah. We freeze in dead marriages for thirty or forty years or dead-end jobs until retirement. We wait until the danger has passed, the divorce is final or the predator finds something else to chase. All of these are regressive reactions and all are forms of rage.

Question: Have you or someone you know gone into "fight, flight or freeze" mode recently?

In Lesson 28 we will go into further detail about regression and rage.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

"Losing It" or Losing My Temper--Lesson 26

Another way to think about emotional regression is illustrated best by the words many of us have said and heard—“I lost it!” or “I lost my temper.”

Jamie said to me in a session, “Yesterday my husband Todd and I were having this very frank, honest, even refreshing conversation and I don’t know what he said but I lost it. I started screaming at him all of a sudden and couldn’t stop myself. He finally stormed out of the house and didn’t come back for hours. What is that about? That wasn’t my first temper tantrum either.”

“I found marijuana in my son’s chest of drawers,” said Thomas. “And I don’t know what happened but I lost it. When he came home from school, I yelled at him for two solid hours. I grilled him the way my father did when I was his age. We haven’t spoken two words since. Here’s the weird thing, I smoked grass at his age and swore if I ever caught my children doing it I’d approach it maturely, sanely and rationally. I was screaming my head off at him.”

What do mature adults lose at these critical moments? Lots of things, including logic, reason, rationality, maturity and the ability to choose their words carefully and considerately. They lose their perspective, balance, and most of all, their ability to stay in the pre-frontal portion of their neo-cortex or new brain.

Question: When was the last time your or someone you love or work with "Lost It?"

In Lesson 27 we will explore "Your Brain" and "Your Brain On Rage".


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

More Information on Emotional Regression--Lesson 25

Another and more recognizable way to think about regression is when a full grown adult feels small or little. This happens when men and women feel like they’ve lost their age and maturity and feel six inches tall instead of six feet, or feel like a four year old instead of a forty year old.

Recently on the New York Times best-seller is a wonderful, heart-felt memoir, Chosen by a Horse, by Susan Richards. She writes about having to put down her beloved equine companion that she’d rescued from an abusive owner eighteen years before. When it came time to do this heart-breaking task Richards most assuredly felt deep anger and sadness and wrote, “I wish some grown-up could have come in and made the decision for me.” At the time of this task, she was sixty-five years old going on twelve or less. She felt small and anything but a powerful, competent adult.

Question: Have you ever felt small or little in stressful or scary situations or with certain people--bosses, parents, authority figures?


In Lesson 26 we will explore regression as the main cause for sometimes "Losing It" with our children, friends, parents, etc.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Listening to Our Bodies For Cues We Are Regressing--Lesson 24

These sensations below can be physical signs of regression. Sometimes these physical cues are just anxiety but when they are extreme they signal a return to our past history. They are saying we are feeling less and less like an adult and more and more like a scared adolescent or child.

Cold Hands and Feet
Perspiring Excessively
Lump In Your Throat
Heart Beating Wildly
Knot In Stomach
Excessive Dry Mouth
Tight Chest
Have Trouble Breathing
Excessive Drowsiness
Clinched Jaw
Hands Shaking
Face and Neck Flushed
Dry Mouth

Question: Which in the above list is your personal signal that you may be regressing and getting excessively angry or engaging in soft rage?


In Lesson 25 I will go into further explanations and examples of this thing called "regression" it will change your life for the better.



For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

More about Regression and Soft Rage--Lesson 23

The best example of emotional regression is when many people go home for the holidays. Approaching our parents’ driveways we’re still feeling like adults. Once we cross the front door threshold, mom and dad start talking or interacting with us like they did thirty years before. Before you know it, we’re talking to them and sometimes even saying word for word what we said when we were twelve or thirteen.

Sharon says every time she goes home for a visit it isn’t long before the regressive behavior begins. Her mother, who is in her mid-seventies, starts commenting about her clothes or hair. Sharon says, “My mom gives me a warm hug then steps back and gently brushes my hair back and says the same thing, ‘Honey, why don’t you get your hair out of your face. You have such a pretty face. People want to see your beautiful face.’ I want to ignore here but instead I say, ‘Mom, it’s my hair and my face and I’ll wear it anyway I want to.’ I’m forty-four years old for God’s sake. When does it stop?”

Question: Where or when do you or someone you know go from feeling like a mature adult to feeling like a kid again?


In Lesson 24 I will present possible body cues that let us know we are regressing.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

The Best Kept Secret in Psychology + Anger--Lesson 22

Emotional regression is one of the best kept secrets in modern psychology. There is virtually nothing that is written on the subject or certainly very little that explains it and relates it to everyday life, especially as it impacts anger and rage. There are many ways to define emotional regression and we are very familiar with the following ones because either you’ve employed them recently or someone has said them to you:

“I wish you’d grow up.”
“You’re acting like a big baby."

Perhaps less common—but still a good way to define regression—is an unconscious return to our past history. When we regress we are hurled into our past faster than lightening.

Question: Have you ever found yourself feeling "little" or "small" when your boss calls you into his/her office or when you go home for the holidays?

In Lesson 23 you will discover more information about this well-guarded secret--Emotional Regression.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Outrager vs. Engrager--Lesson 21

Outragers tend to be active in their persecution of others who don’t feel, think, believe or behave like them. Outragers curse loudly; throw things, scream and never lower their voice. It’s hard to say which of the two are more dangerous to relationships.

Some of you may think that outrage can be a positive thing. For example, if someone is falsely accused of a crime, the public becomes “outraged” until the media gets involved forcing the city for a new trial where he is found innocent and eventually set free. Sounds great, except for one thing: that’s not destructive outrage because no one gets hurt., that’s anger expressed appropriately.


Whether you find yourself or someone you know in either or both categories take heart. You are about to be introduced to a tool that can help and even heal while turning both the enrager and outrager into a person who talks, acts, thinks and feels like what indigenous cultures refer to as “human beings.”

Question: Do you see yourself or someone you know leaning more towards "outraging" or "enraging".

In Lesson 22 you will be given "the best kept secret in psychology" to help turn soft rage into appropriate anger.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Enraged or Outraged? Lesson 20

ENRAGED OR OUTRAGED?

I have tried to make a distinction between what we normally think of and label as rage—hitting, slapping, pinching, pushing or road rage, by calling the above “soft rage”. I’m sure by now you see truthfully there is no such thing. All rage hurts everyone concerned. Most people tend more toward being enraged or outraged. Oddly enough, en-ragers tend to partner or marry out-ragers. Out-ragers try to get the en-rager to ratchet up their behaviors and en-ragers try (sometimes for a lifetime) to tone it down. As one person noted at a seminar, “We call this marriage.”

The Differences Between the Two:

En-ragers tend to hold everything in sometimes for days or decades. They bottle their emotions up and try to put a lid on every feeling that is uncomfortable. They tend to stew, seethe, and get stressed out. En-ragers often employ shame, criticism and can be very harsh judges of others. They hold in anger that is usually turned inward and then project it on to others. En-ragers internalize their fears which turn into rage.

Question: Do you know anyone who is "enraged" a lot of the time?

In tomorrow's Lesson 21 you will see the actions and behaviors of the "outrager".


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

The Distancer as a Style of Soft Rage--Lesson 19

The Distancer is the most prevalent style. The Distancer has one foot in and one foot out of every conflict, confrontation and argument. They use one of the worst four letter words in relationships; one that communicates nothing: F-I-N-E.

Cherie says she hears this word from her husband all the time before he walks out the door. The Distancer also uses the word “whatever” quite a bit. Both words basically say, “I’m out of here and I’m not going to tell you where I’m going, when I’ll be back and you can do whatever you want and I’ll say its fine, but really it isn’t fine at all.”

If one wants to be a good distancer they can just put these two words together, “Fine! Whatever!”

The Distancer is emotionally unavailable, shut down and numb. He or she is “here” only in body, but absent in every other sense.

Question: Does "The Distancer" remind you of anyone you know?

In Lesson 20 you will discover the differences between the "enrager" and the "outrager."


For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

J79DSDYDHXF4

"The Poor Me" As Soft Style of Rage--Lesson 18

The “Poor Me” rager is just as full of rage as the others but does not have enough energy to question or get large. The “Poor Me” feels like the victim in every situation and uses complaining, justifying, draining language to get their points across.

“Am I the only one who has to work around here? I clean up the house before going to work. I work all day long, fight the commute home and when I get here the house is a mess again,” say mothers (and sometimes fathers) everywhere.

“You’d think after working all day and putting up with all that I have to put up with I could come home and relax, but noooooooooooo!”

“I know I’m late for our lunch meeting,” Jason said to his boss. “But just as I was getting ready to leave the office this customer called and he just kept talking and talking and I thought you were going to be mad at me for being late again. But what could I do? I had to talk to him. So boss, don’t be angry at me for my tardiness. Let’s go find the customer and chew him out.”

Question: Sound like anyone you know?


In Lesson 19 we will look at the style more people use than the other three put together.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Intimidation as a Form of Soft Rage--Lesson 17

The Intimidator is the second style of soft rage. This is the man or woman who rages by getting big and loud and filling up the entire room with their gigantic roar. This is done to demean and demoralize those around them and make them feel small and silent.

The Intimidator curses loudly and throws objects off tables or desks. They often employ preaching, sarcasm and put-downs.

Sometimes intimidators fill up the room with silence so thick you can cut it with a knife. Everyone around them is whispering and walking on eggshells hoping the intimidator won’t “snap”. Intimidators believe might makes right and they’re always going to have the last word.

"Question: Do you or someone you know tend to employ this style?

In Lesson 18 we will look at the style almost no one wants to admit but many, including myself, will use when nothing else works.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Interrogating as One Style of Soft Rage--Lesson 16

There are four predominant styles of soft rage. All four are frequently used, but some people gravitate more to one or two styles. The first one we will explore is:

The Interrogator is the rager who has ways to make you talk.
“What time did I tell you to be home?” “Who were you with?” “How many times have we had this conversation?” “How much did you have to drink?” “What is your excuse?” “How many times have I told you?” “When are you going to visit?” “Why don’t you ever call?”

The interrogator employs a rapid series of questions to control, manipulate, shame, judge, etc. leaving everyone exhausted and willing to sign any confession just to get out of the cold cement room, with one dim light bulb and a one-way mirror.

Question: Do you know anyone like this?

In Lesson 17 we will look at those who tend to gravitate "The Intimidation".

For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

A FEW MORE EXAMPLES OF SOFT RAGE--LESSON 15

MORE EXAMPLES OF SOFT RAGE:

• Sarcasm
• Put-Downs
• One-upsmanship
• Sabotage
• Jokes-(The kind of jokes where someone is the “butt” and they are not laughing even though everyone in the room may think it is funny. If it is a funny joke everyone laughs. If you have to add at the end of a joke that it is a “joke” then it probably isn’t.
• Manipulation
• Control
• Lies
• Gossip
All five of the above behaviors and actions are serious, so serious that I have tried to add a touch of levity here and there to hopefully reduce the pain of recognizing how many times they have been done to you and you have done them to the ones you love.

All five result in distance, disaster and very often divorce. All five must be eliminated from our conversations and confrontations.
I presented these five things to a group of social workers last week in a seminar on expressing anger appropriately. A man in his early forties raised his hand and with a slight whimsical tone asked, “If you take away these things what in the world am I going to say? I say this stuff almost every day.”

Question: Which of the above ways do you or someone you know tend to employ?

In Lesson 16 we will explore the 4 STYLES OF SOFT RAGE many people use when trying to express anger.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

"Don't Analyze Me"-A Soft Form of Rage--Lesson 14

A close cousin to judging is being analyzed by someone other than a therapist who is being paid for their services can be very annoying.

Picture this: The impudent husband looks at his wife with a cold, clinical stare. She feels the heat seeking missile of his gaze into her psyche and finally she says, “Are you angry with me?”
The husband strokes his wannabe Freudian chin, “Angry? No, I’m not angry. You know I haven’t had a real feeling since the Nixon administration. No, what I’m trying to do is figure you out, make some sense of your behavior and come to an understanding of why you think and behave the way you do. After meeting your mother and father I know where some of your behavior is coming from…”

“What were you thinking?” The irate father says to the son who put a dent in the SUV. “What is wrong with you?” “Let’s sit down and start from the beginning so we can see how you came to be so…”

These analytical phrases imply that the speaker is the “doctor” and the listener is the “patient.”

Question: Have you ever played Lay Psychologist with friends or family?

In Lesson 15 I will provide a list of other questionable techniques some people use when trying to express anger.



For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Being Judge and Jury As Soft Rage--Lesson 12

When someone is angry but doesn’t know how to express it appropriately they very often fall back on a tactic that was probably used on them since childhood and they have become masters of in adulthood—judging. This form of raging requires that the individual have an imaginary robe and a gavel handy at all times. They judge your behavior, the way you speak, stand, sit, eat, work, play, make love, buy groceries, make repairs, raise your children, tie your shoes, etc.

Judges also get to play jury to decide guilt or innocence regarding the offenses they see you committing—“I sentence you to the silent treatment for forty-eight hours,” or “Off to rehab for twenty-eight days,” or “No sex for you for a month.”

When couples or colleagues fight it goes something like this:
“Here’s what you did wrong. Here’s what you should have done, thought, said, said this way instead of the way you said…”

Question: Have you ever played judge and jury with someone you love or work with?

In Lesson 13 some other forms of soft rage will be presented.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

How Teaching Can Be Soft Rage--Lesson 11

Teaching is one of the more subtle forms of rage because on the surface it appears to be really helpful. But if you go beneath the surface you’ll often find condescension, patronization, and belittling.

Teachers read self-help books with a trusty pink or yellow highlighter at the ready to underscore all the passages that pertain to their husband/student, girlfriend/student, and parent/student. Then they might leave the book open to the most pertinent page in the most inconspicuous places like say the bathroom sink or the other person’s pillow.

Their student upon finding it might cry out, “Honey, did you want me to read this book lying in the sink marked with pink and yellow highlighter with my name in the margins?” Another important thing to note: When the frustrated or self-appointed preacher or teacher is engaged in these subtle forms of rage it may not have anything to do with what you have said or done. These are merely ways “to let off steam” or let rage leak out that has been inside the speaker for days, weeks or decades.

Question: Have you or someone you know spoken to other adults like they were students who "needed to be a taught a lesson?"

In Lesson 12 we will explore the "Judging" as a form of soft rage.




For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Forms of Soft Rage Continued--Lesson 10

Have you ever preached “the Gospel according to you?” You know—the words that flew out of your mouth trying to convert someone to your way of seeing things.

Preaching is a form of rage when the one doing so is trying to hammer their point of view, interpretation, morality, or values into those who are not asking for them. The preacher feels it is their duty, right or obligation to get these across whether we have asked for a sermon or not.

Again, don’t get me wrong, if you attend a house of worship you are expecting preaching; but our wives, children, aging parents, girlfriend/boyfriends or employees didn’t sign on to be members of our congregation in “The Church of I’m Right & You’re Wrong.”

Question: Do you know anyone who "preaches at you" when they say they are just trying to "share"?

In Lesson 11 You will see how "Teaching" can be a soft form of rage.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Flight Attendant-Steven Slater's Rage & Why People Are Rallying Around Him

Because so many people are talking about the flight attendant who flew off the handle, I decided to address this in today's blog instead of Lesson 9 which I will get back to tomorrow.

Look at the man's face: Pain, despair , frustration, and tension. Is he angry? No. He is way past angry. Remember anger is a feeling. It is an emotion. What he expressed in the way he spoke to the passenger, then grabbing beers, then opening the plane and extending the slide are "actions and behaviors" that numb feelings of pain, despair, frustration, etc.

Now to answer the question why are so many thousands and thousands of people posting praising comments of his behavior and actions:

Because lots of people are full of rage and raging feels temporarily empowering, but here’s the rub: it is only an illusion. Actually rage weakens the rager and the person who takes the brunt of the rage.

Rage has moved more people out of relationships than U-Haul. It shoves everyone out the door, out of lives, or out of business. Rage pushes everyone away because no one wants to be around it and yet people are drawn to at the same time because rage is contagious like the flu. It can spread through families, corporations, countries.

Rage basically says —in no uncertain terms— I do not value you or this relationship enough to warrant an expenditure of my time or energy to try to achieve resolution.

Rage says you have a problem and that’s the problem—no solution in sight. Many people like Steven Slater have become frustrated at work, full of tension and stress wondering if they will keep their job and then there are those who hate their jobs and that breeds another kind of dissatisfaction that ends up in all kinds of raging behaviors and actions.

Is Steven Slater a working man’s hero? No. He is a very distressed fellow who needs lots of attention, empathy and a lot anger management.

Question: Have you ever wanted to open the door and slide out of a job like Slater has done? If the answer is yes you probably won't get the media attention he has.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

More Examples of "Soft" Rage--Lesson 9

CRITICIZING

Classic criticizing statements:
• “I’m just telling you for your own good…”
• “I say this because I love you…”
• “With all due respect…”
• “No disrespect intended…”
• “I hope you won’t take offense, but…”

The above statements are warning shots fired over the bow to let the listener know that what’s coming next isn’t going to feel good at best and ruin your day or perhaps the entire decade.

Men and women have been using criticism to control, manipulate, coerce, get even or just plain attack since the first Homo Erectus uttered the words, “You’re not really going Tyrannosaurus Rex hunting dressed like that, are you?”

We’ve all been criticized so many times without soliciting it that it may be difficult for many of us to see it as an action or behavior that qualifies as rage. And yet I’ve had dozens of men, women, adolescents, and employees in my office saying they have had it with the critic in the family or workplace that can never be satisfied and finds something wrong in everything they say or do. I’m talking about unsolicited critiques and comments that many, even thick-skinned people are left feeling like a knife has sliced through their spirit.

The wife who says to her husband, “Do you like this dress?” is one thing—the husband who says, “I hate that dress you’re wearing,” has probably been gunny-sacking anger about something and has now crossed the line into rage.

Question: Has anyone ever said to you or have you said to someone, "All you do is criticize?"

In Lesson 10 "Preaching and Teaching" will be shown as possible raging techniques.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Blaming is Soft Rage--Lesson 8

Disdain is one of the most destructive of all raging statements. The one who disdains the person they are speaking to is regarding that person as worthless and for the moment, hour, or month as being unworthy of care or regard and holds them in contempt because they are beneath the one who spews disdain.
“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.
BLAMING
Blame is thrown around fast and furiously. Like a hard metal disc thrown with accuracy and precision, blame can take the head off a loved one. “If you had only gotten into therapy when I first asked you to we wouldn’t be in this mess we’re in now,” said the wife to husband. Susan told her husband Sam during a workshop, “We can’t afford a cabin in the woods, but you wouldn’t listen. Now we may have to sell our real home and live with bears and bugs.”
We blame our parents instead of holding them accountable. We blame our accountants for not being responsible. We even shame and blame ourselves for not going into counseling or not hiring the right accountants in the first place. Blaming someone else for our mistakes, failures, and general discontent is a way to abdicate responsibility for our lives and keeps us from feeling sad, angry or hurt. Blaming is an action that points the finger at another and is accusatory by nature.

Question: Do you or someone you know tend towards "blaming" when trying to express anger?

In Lesson 9 we will focus on the other examples of Soft Rage.




For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

5 Things People do that are soft rage--Lesson 7

Rage is a shape-shifter.
1. Shaming
2. Blaming
3. Criticizing
4. Preaching
5. Judging

Shaming
Shaming is one of the most commonly used forms of rage. Shame comes from the Anglo-Saxon word “screamer” meaning “to cover.” Many people have been covered in shame since childhood: “You are a disgrace to your family,” said Bill to his gay son, Roger, during a counseling session. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” says the wife of the alcoholic husband. “It is my job to put you to shame,” says the fundamentalist preacher. “I can’t believe someone as intelligent and well-read and educated as you can’t figure it out…” said Tom’s father to him regarding his failed relationship.

Shame is a psychological slap in the face to children and adults that is neither subtle nor soft.

Demeaning statements are another form shame takes and is made every few minutes when people are angry, but can’t feel or express their anger. Instead words are selected to degrade and lower self esteem. The father who is good with his hands says to the gangly, awkward twelve year old, “No matter how many times I show you how to do this, you’re never going to get it.” “What’s wrong with you? Math is easy,” says the demeaning math instructor who was most assuredly demeaned by her math instructor and walks out of the room with a load of shame.

“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.

Question: Do you or someone you know tend to "shame" people when trying to express anger?

In Lesson 8 we will examine the other 4 things in the list above. I hope it will help.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Soft Rage--Lesson 6 From Anger Solution

WORDS USED BY THE "Soft" RAGING PERSON:
•You always _______
•You never ________
•Why can’t you just _______
•If only you __________
•It’s all your fault
•Shame on you
•You’re lying
•When are you going to ________

SOFT RAGE
We’re not talking about road rage or domestic violence. This isn’t putting your fist through a plate glass window either. No, the kind of rage is being discussed is what I call “Soft Rage.” Soft Rage is the kind of rage that has been called anger and that most people have seen, received or perpetrated all of their lives. It is usually not intentional or malicious. It is the rage that is done more out of habit than to really harm. The forms of rage that will be discussed are complicated and I am going to make it as simple as possible. What you will see however is there is nothing “soft” about any of these.
Given so few people have ever seen or heard anger expressed appropriately, they go with what they have seen and heard a million times since childhood. Because rage is the norm, men and women have unintentionally cast themselves as both victims and perpetrators.

HOW TO IDENTIFY “SOFT RAGE”
Is your tone…?
•Patronizing
•Condescending
•“Holier Than Thou”
•Rude
•Sarcastic

Question: After reading this blog post do you recognize anyone at all?

In Lesson 7 We will further explore the concept of "soft rage" and in the process will learn more about "appropriate" anger which is one of the goals of this blog.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

What Appropriate Anger Can Do for You--Lesson 5

Anger is a feeling; an emotion that is neither positive nor negative although most clinicians, therapists, and authors have labeled it as the latter. Anger is no more destructive than sadness or loneliness. Fear is far more often destructive than anger.
Many of the practicing mental health professionals today believe that anger is simply a cover; like out of control ivy in a well manicured yard. They contend that underneath anger is the real issue that lurks and hurts people: fear.
Essentially said the message is, “You are not angry. You are afraid,” or “Your anger is merely covering up your sadness or disappointment.” This point of view is couched under the heading of “you are not feeling what you say you are feeling, let’s get to the real emotions underneath your anger.”
This traditional approach defines primary emotions as sadness, loneliness, fear, joy, love, etc. Anger, they say, is a secondary emotion.
However, my experience has shown that anger is a primal feeling that anyone with a pulse experiences weekly, if not daily. It is an essential emotion: You can’t and shouldn’t avoid anger.

Rosa Parks’ anger in 1955 is what contributed to her and a whole race of people from being stuck at the back of the bus. Anger is what got our country out of Vietnam.
Anger can move a person out of abusive relationships. If you stay in a stuck place for too long without expressing anger, then you’ll feel sadness. While sadness and anger are two primary emotions that go hand in hand they are not the same feeling and cannot therefore be used interchangeably. The women’s movement was fueled by an anger that was overdue. The outcome forever changed the world we live for the better. Can you imagine someone saying this to Gloria Steinem or Rosa Parks or the Vietnam vets for that matter: “You’re not really angry, you’re just scared.”?

Question: Were you able sometime in life to use appropriate anger to get you out of a stuck job, relationship, marriage, town?

In Lesson 6 We will explore what I have termed, "soft rage." You will be suprised.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Why People Try To Avoid Anger--Lesson 4

Most people have been taught and threatened with the belief that anger is bad, negative, uncivilized, rude, and unacceptable. Add these to the misinformation and misconceptions that anger leads to more anger and that expressing anger increases blood pressure and heart problems, it is no wonder we are racked with guilt and shame and increasingly tamp down and numb our emotions.
Everyone from parents to teachers and pastors have been telling children things like, “Good girls and boys don’t get angry,” for generations. “It’s not ladylike.” Girls have been told they are bitches, ball busters, nags, hags and witches if they get angry. Boys have been taught to think of “angry” women that way. We wonder why women are angry, look at what they are called!
Mostly people of all educational backgrounds, incomes, religious persuasions and inclinations have it in their heads, hearts, or rear-ends that anger equals pain.
When someone got angry in our childhood we felt the slaps, hits, silent treatment, and icy stares. We were punished by being sent to bed without supper or exiled to our bedrooms or boarding schools. In other words, when someone got angry someone got hurt.
Somewhere in our subconscious we decided early on that if anger equals pain then the best way to keep from causing others pain or incurring pain we would bust a gut, get a migraine, numb our bodies, and souls and just try with all our might to never get angry.

Question: How is this thinking about anger working for you?

In Lesson 5 the blog entry will look at what anger really is and the positive things it can do for you.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

How To Tell The Differences--Lesson 3

In this Lesson we focus on telling the differences between healthy, appropriate anger from dysfunctional and inappropriate rage.

Anger is a feeling. Rage is a reaction.
Anger is a primary emotion. Rage stuffs or masks emotions.
Anger is neither positive or negative. Rage is always negative and inappropriate.
Anger that is expressed appropriately equals energy. Rage is exhausting to all parties.
Anger is meant to be given away, while rage is meant to be given up.
Appropriate anger doesn’t hurt anyone. Rage hurts everyone involved.
Anger clears the air and rage clouds communication.

Anger rights injustices and wrongs. Rage is an injustice and wrongs people further.
Anger expressed appropriately increases energy, intimacy & peace of mind. Rage decreases energy in people, increases the distance between them and causes discord.

Anger is contained and controlled until proper time, place & person.
Rage is pervasive, out of control and misdirected
Anger is about the present. Rage is about the past.
Anger is about “Me” and rage is about “You”.

Question: After reading the ways in which anger differs from rage would you say you or someone you care about, work with or work for is "angry" or "raging"?

In Lesson 4 of The Anger Solution blog we will look at reasons why most people try to avoid anger whenever possible.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Why Anger Takes So Long--Lesson 2

The real reason anger takes so long to talk out is very often due to the fact that it is not anger at all that we are finally ready express. Rage is as different from anger as night is from day. Anger is a feeling and emotion. Rage has the ability to cover other feelings, but it is not a feeling or emotion in itself but an action or behavior used to disconnect us from any and all emotions. Rage is a behavior or action that numbs peoples’ feelings.

Rage is a reaction to what your boss has said to you every morning for the last year. What you’ve stuffed and bottled-up all this time, suddenly comes gushing out like a geyser. Likewise, rage occurs because the checkbook has gone unbalanced for two years; seemingly warranting a deafening silence to correct or punish your spouse’s behavior.
Anger lives in the present and so takes minutes to be felt and expressed. Rage sticks around because it is grounded in the past.

Rage lives in the past and takes a very long time because it is grounded in our personal life history. Sandy’s now ex-boyfriend was chronically late; Sandy’s response was, “I’m tired of you always putting everything before me. Didn’t your mother teach you it is rude to keep people waiting? I got here on time. I can’t see why you can’t!”…and she was just getting warmed up. Clearly, there was more than anger going on.
Rage is what constitutes most marathon arguments.

Question: The last time you or someone you cared about tried to express their "anger" was it about only what was said or done in the present or was it more about the past?

In Lesson 3 of The Anger Solution the post will contain ways to distinguish anger from rage.

Appropriate Anger--Lesson 1

Appropriate anger is about the “Here and Now”; it is a response to issues and situations occurring at the present time. You feel anger because of what your boss said to you this morning or because your spouse incorrectly balanced the checkbook this week.

Appropriate anger expressed in present time and in an appropriate manner, actually draws people to you. If a man says to his wife, “I’m angry and I need to talk”, nine times out of ten the wife will respond with something like, “Okay, tell me more,” or “I’m listening,” or “What’s going on?”If an employee says to a fellow worker, “I’m angry about what went on in the staff meeting this morning,” most fellow employees will say, “Tell me more,” or “Let’s talk about it this afternoon over a cup of coffee.”

Anger lives in the present and so takes minutes to be felt and expressed.

Question: Does it take a long time to tell someone you are angry if you tell them at all?

In Lesson 2. You will find concrete reasons why anger takes forever to talk out.

Got Anger? Try The Anger Solution

If you or someone you love, care about, work with or work for has problems with anger, this informative blog is going to help and positively impact all your relationships. It is going to do so by changing how you think and feel about anger by using down-to-earth, common sense and tried and true methods.

Now you can take the tools I've been practicing and presenting for twenty-five years in the field of Anger Management and use them in your own life. I've condensed material from my 3 anger books and added insights gained from teaching, providing workshops and counseling and coaching (individuals, couples and families) into short, easy to read daily messages.

GENERAL INFO--Anger is a fact of life that affects everyone; some more than others. We all have been angry or been around those who are angry and most of us have thought that the world would be better off without this emotion. But here’s the real truth: anger is not your enemy. In fact, it can be your ally; one that can save your relationship, your job and your peace of mind.

This blog will be divided into lessons, the first is about expressing anger appropriately, which is the only way to heal relationships and create greater closeness and intimacy.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.