Rage is a shape-shifter.
1. Shaming
2. Blaming
3. Criticizing
4. Preaching
5. Judging
Shaming
Shaming is one of the most commonly used forms of rage. Shame comes from the Anglo-Saxon word “screamer” meaning “to cover.” Many people have been covered in shame since childhood: “You are a disgrace to your family,” said Bill to his gay son, Roger, during a counseling session. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” says the wife of the alcoholic husband. “It is my job to put you to shame,” says the fundamentalist preacher. “I can’t believe someone as intelligent and well-read and educated as you can’t figure it out…” said Tom’s father to him regarding his failed relationship.
Shame is a psychological slap in the face to children and adults that is neither subtle nor soft.
Demeaning statements are another form shame takes and is made every few minutes when people are angry, but can’t feel or express their anger. Instead words are selected to degrade and lower self esteem. The father who is good with his hands says to the gangly, awkward twelve year old, “No matter how many times I show you how to do this, you’re never going to get it.” “What’s wrong with you? Math is easy,” says the demeaning math instructor who was most assuredly demeaned by her math instructor and walks out of the room with a load of shame.
“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.
Question: Do you or someone you know tend to "shame" people when trying to express anger?
In Lesson 8 we will examine the other 4 things in the list above. I hope it will help.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
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