No Choice As A Sign of Regression and Rage Part 2--Lesson 48

Arnold said,” I have too many bills to pay and a kid in college and another about to graduate from high school and go to college. I can’t quit my job. I just have to grit my teeth, suck it up and stay at a job that really sucks.

When working with a person who really feels and thinks that they don’t have a choice I first have to help them see their regression, deal with the triggers that are sending them back in time, explore the emotional memory and hopefully facilitate a discharge and release the pent up, stored energy whether it is rag or sadness.
Once this is accomplished then I can help them see the choices that have been right in front of them all along. Now a friend can offer suggestions, their pastor can recommend books to read. But if their well-intentional help is offered before the person comes out of their regression it all falls on deaf ears.

I’m sure you’ve had these frustrating conversations with friends who tell you about a crisis or a problem they are having and you pull out your best advice, lovingly give them options and choices and they respond with, “You just don’t understand,” “No I can’t do that,” “I wish it was that easy.”

Question: What areas of life do you often feel, "I don't have a choice?"

In Lesson 49 we will explore the brain chemistry behind feeling like you don't have a choice.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

No Choices--Sign of Regression,rage and anger--Lesson 47

When I asked Charlotte why she didn’t leave her verbally abusive husband, she said, “Because I don’t have that choice.” When I asked Arnold why he doesn’t quit the job that offered no chance for advancement or increase in pay, he too replied, “I didn’t have a choice.”

When an adult feels like they have no choice they get angry or enraged and are usually in a regressed state. It often takes someone else (who is not regressed) to offer them choices, point out options because the regressed person can’t hear them, see them or act on them.

When working with a person who really feels and thinks that they don’t have a choice I first have to help them see their regression, deal with the triggers that are sending them back in time, explore the emotional memory and hopefully facilitate a discharge and release the pent up, stored energy whether it is rag or sadness.

Question: Can you remember times where at the time you felt like you didn't have a choice only to come out of regression and finally see multiple choices?

In Lesson 48 we will continue looking at "No Choice."
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

The Disproportional Reaction, Regression and Rage--Lesson 46

I’m sure everyone reading this has either said or heard someone say to them, “Where is all of this coming from?” “This” being all of their excessive energy about the problem or issue being discussed. The disproportional reaction feels overwhelming for many and just plain scary for others.

Those on the receiving end often feel they are being flooded by the speaker’s words that make up unfair accusations, insinuations and criticism. This torrent of energy is not usually enthusiasm but rather judgment and shame. Therefore, the listener tends to feel pushed away or wants to run away. But most of all they feel confused. “Why is he talking to me this way?” Jill asked me one day during a consultation, “It’s like he’s talking to someone else and he doesn’t even see me. Sometimes I think he’s shouting at his first wife or his mother.” I asked her how this made her feel. “Scared and angry. It pushed all my buttons and I feel like a little girl back in my parent’s house where I never felt seen either.”

Question: Have you said or has someone said to you recently, "Where is all of this coming from?

In Lesson 47 Feeling Like We Don't Have A Choice--another sign of regression that often leads to rage.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

"Child Time" Part 2 Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 45

For the son or daughter who hears, “Wait until your father gets home,” time stands still. In the giddy fifteen year old waiting for her first date to show up, time is stuck in molasses. As mentioned earlier the parent waiting for their son or daughter to come home, time is an enemy. The wife waiting for the husband to call from his hotel feels like time actually wounds her heart and soul because she relives the time her first husband cheated on her.

When we regress time also contracts. If you reading this are newly in love or remember being newly in love you may recall that time collapsed in on itself. The brand new lovers have “fallen” in love. We don’t say they have “progressed” or moved “forward” in love. No, we fall right back to our childhoods. We leave adult time and descend into that oceanic oneness we experienced in the womb, or at our mother’s breast. When we fall we begin conversations with our loved one at 8 p.m. only to come out of the ecstatic trance at 2 a.m. with one of us saying something like, “Can you believe what time it is? We have been talking for six hours. Where did the time go?”

Same couple ten years later…The wife says to the husband, “Honey, we need to talk.” The husband looks like a surprised or angry deer caught in the headlights, responds spontaneously, “For how long?” “Oh just thirty minutes or so,” she says. “Thirty minutes,” the husband equates to dog years, regresses and says something like, “And I suppose you want me to listen the whole time.”

Question: When do you fall back into "child time"?

In Lesson 46 we will explore how "disproportional reactions" are almost always a sign regression is happening and rage may be coming.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

"Child Time" as a Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 44

A four year old says to their mom or dad, “When are we going to go see grandma?” The look of excitement and expectation turns into desperation when the parent replies, “In two weeks.” Two weeks is an eternity for children. You may recall how summers lasted forever and Christmas never came.

That four year old, forty years later goes to the doctor on Monday because of some condition that produces concern and anxiety. The doctor speeds in, checks them over and on his way out says, “We’ll have these tests back on Friday and try not to worry.” Monday to Friday feels how long? Like an eternity. It is almost exactly the same feeling that children have because the adult has regressed and is back in Child Time, which is full of worse case stories.

When men and women regress, time gets weird. Regression leads to time being compressed or expanded where time is more dreamlike. Minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days, days seem like months and months, well months can be decades. But the good news is once you know this to be a sign of regression you catch it and bring time back to its normal feel and thus reduce anxiety and fear.

Question: Do you remember the last time an hour seemed like a day, a day seemed like a week and you were anxious, small, little, angry, maybe even raging?

In Lesson 45 we will continue to explore the phenomenon of "child time".
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Story Time Part 3 A Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 43

Cheri is a stay at home mother. Twice divorced she has trouble trusting her current husband. Her first husband died in a car crash and her second one cheated on her with another woman. While she has worked on her anger and grief, she doesn’t quite trust that Thomas, who she says is fine man, will not eventually leave her.
Thomas had to go to Chicago on a business trip. He told her he would be in his hotel no later than 10 and would call her no later than 10:30. Cheri waited by the phone like a teenager waiting for her first crush to call. Ten thirty came—no call, ten thirty-five—still no call. Cheri has had a good deal of therapy so she didn’t regress until 10:40.

“I wanted to know where he was. I bounced between anger, rage, and fear like a tennis ball. I started thinking something bad had happened to him; perhaps a car accident or the plane went down. I couldn’t stop the terrible pictures that flashed through my mind as I waited for him to call. I saw him lying helpless or maybe dead in some ditch somewhere or in an emergency room. I was panicking. Then all of a sudden I pictured him with his secretary who went with him to that meeting and I thought that son-of-a-*&%# better be dead in a ditch because if I catch him with his secretary, I am going to kill him!” she was crying and laughing at the same time as she told me this story.

Question: Do remember the last big, dramatic story you made up about a person or a situation and released a little or lot of anger and rage only to find out you weren't even close?

In Lesson 44 we will look at "Child Time" as a sign of regression and rage.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Story Time Part 2 as Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 42

When we regress we almost always create worst case stories. Interestingly, Story Time is a regressed attempt to self soothe, but this attempt backfires and the end result is more anxiety—not less—and deeper regression. These fictitious stories from the regressed mind are a way to calm our fears. Ironically, it is these same stories that increase fear, anger, rage and regression because they are appearing in living color from that part of the brain that is illogical and irrational. These semi-paranoid parables can get quite extreme ranging from the temporary belief that someone is plotting to get you to conspiring to control or even perhaps annihilate you.


Question: What worse case story do you tell yourself way too often?

In Lesson 43 We will continue or look at "story time" as a sign of regression.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Signs of Regression, Anger & Rage--Lesson 41

Remember different things regress people differently but there are a few almost universal signs and signals that we are heading into our past histories. These signals are for both the one triggering the regression and the one who is feeling regressed.

STORY TIME
Here’s an example: James is a boss, who is experiencing his own regression. His company is in the red, business is off by 40%. On Friday afternoon, he says to his employee, Alex, “I want to see you in my office first thing Monday morning.” What does Alex do? If statements like James' triggers an emotional memory like the one Alex has of his mother saying something like, “Wait until your father gets home”, or “The principal is out today but he will deal with you Wednesday,” Alex will begin Story Time.

All weekend long he will make up stories about what his boss wants to talk about. Perhaps it was the fax paper he took home? No, wait. It was the personal charges made on the corporate card, or maybe worse—termination. With each worst case story, Alex gets angrier and angrier and then finally settles into rage. No one in the history of employment has ever made up the story, “Hey, I bet he wants to talk about that raise I so readily deserve.” When Alex exhausts all possible stories and gets to James' office he is exhausted and feeling about five inches tall.

Question: What story or stories do you tell yourself when your spouse doesn't call like they said they would or your children stay out later than they are allowed?

In Tomorrow's Lesson 42 we will continue with part II of Story Time and Regression and Rage.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Being Sick or ill and Regression and Rage--Lesson 40

Minor or major illness will turn a grown man or woman into a big baby who wants to curl up, be fed and read to. Don’t get me wrong, there’s not a thing wrong with this. It’s just that when illness strikes; maturity, rationality, reason, sound judgment and decisions go right out the door of the sick room. Instead of requesting nurturing and comfort, we actually go into work anyway or refuse to go see the doctor. We want to deny our condition or have someone come take care of us but we don’t ask but we will often rage until someone comes to our cribs.
When people are sick, they kick into survival mode thinking, behaving, speaking and listening. Now put them all together and you end up with inappropriate behavior.

Question: Have you ever been sick and find you are short tempered, unreasonable and maybe even raging a little?

In Lesson 41 We will see the signs that regression and rage may be headed our way.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Pressure as a Regressor and Rage Producer--Lesson 39

PRESSURE
Pressure to perform, pressure to please, pressure to achieve; pressure to be or not to be. While that may be the perennial question the answer is pressure regresses. Remove the pressure and you no longer feel like you are an awkward adolescent or a stumbling toddler who can barely walk—let alone speak coherent, intelligent sentences.

Pressure leaves adults exhausted. Pressure makes us forget to eat or rest as we wrestle with real or imaginary deadlines. Enough pressure exerted long enough on coal turns it into a diamond. Too much pressure on people turns them into regressed, raging lumps of coal too tired or exhausted to move.

Question: Have you felt small or little and then let out the anger and rage when pressured?

In Lesson 40 we will see how illness makes us all too small to reach the medicine cabinet.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

In Lesson 38 we will explore another Pre-condition for regression, anger and rage--STRESS

STRESS
Stress increases distress. When people are distressed they get tense. Tension leads to contraction of body, mind and soul. When people are stressed and in distress you can give them suggestions, advice, feedback, counseling, books to read, counselors to see, and none of it is taken in. All roll right of the stressed, regressed person like water off a duck’s back and they often even feel offended and let you know it in no uncertain terms by raging .
Not much that comes out of the stressed, distressed individual makes much sense. It usually lacks coherency, and continuity; conversations are convoluted and confusing at best.
Now for the bad news—as if the above wasn’t bad enough—when we hear the word stress we immediately think—Welcome to the American workplace where stress has become the norm. Americans are working harder and longer and with less vacation time than ever. Cost of living rises while jobs are scarce and salaries decline. Work is outsourced to other countries. The average American worker is scared, exhausted, disconnected and regressed.
The other negative quote we hear in our heads about stress is, “Welcome to the average American home.” Both parents are working, trying to make ends meet. Children have less supervision and interaction with parents, particularly the father. Studies show on average fathers spend less than two hours per week with their children. More and more children are being raised in one parent homes. In much of the western world divorce occurs in one out of two marriages. All of these factors come together and you have stress, distress and more and more regression, more and more unabated rage.

Question: When you get stressed do you feel like curling up under the covers and wishing that the world would go away and when it doesn't do you get angry and sometimes rage?

In Lesson 39 We will explore pressure to perform as a regressor and rage producer.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Hunger as a Pre-Condition For Regression and Anger --Lesson 37

HUNGER
When a person has gone too long without food—there’s that word again, “Too”, the brain loses oxygen and blood flow. That, in turn, leads to a lack of self-soothing chemicals like serotonin, neo-epinephrine and oxytocin. Extreme hunger makes us lose our patience, poise and practicality. Hunger takes us back to infancy as quickly as anything can. Once a person’s blood sugar is significantly altered we yell at spouses when supper is not served on time much like we did in the crib when nourishment was slow in coming. Adults who are very hungry watch the second hand on their watches to see if the waitress indeed comes to our table in “a minute” after seating us. We may swear at the wait staff as if they were slaves instead of servers.

Question: Have you ever been so hungry that minutes seem to drag and feel like hours and then your "temper" was very short?

In Lesson 38 we will explore another Pre-condition for regression, anger and rage--STRESS

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Exhaustion as a Pre-Condition for Regression and Anger: Lesson 36

PRE-CONDITIONS FOR REGRESSION
There are five physical, psychological and emotional states that if avoided will minimize the number of times and tendencies to regress, get small, or lose it. I often point out that these states are not only common but really a part of almost everyone’s personal and professional life. Many work places like Google spend time and energy reducing these preconditions and that is part of the reason they receive over four thousand applications per day.
1. EXHAUSTION
Mental or physical exhaustion greatly increases one’s time in the past. Extreme tiredness can make a grown man or woman yearn for their care-free college days or a perpetual extended beach vacation. Exhaustion can take us out of the pre-frontal, rational neo-cortex. It can send us to pre-verbal state of the reptilian brain and either curl up and take a long, winter’s nap.

Exhaustion makes us more susceptible to verbal, emotional or physical abuse from bosses, parents, our children or people in authority. It makes our skin paper thin and we tend to lose our ability to say things like, “No”, “No more”, “Enough”, or “Stop.”

When we’re tired we can’t think about the big picture. We exchange things that are good for us for short term, temporary fixes. We tend to settle for much less than we want or deserve in personal or professional situations and even relationships. We have a “short fuse”; we’re grouchy, irritable, impatient and impractical. We say and do things we may regret for years to come. We rage at the too slow lady in front of us at the store checkout line and swear at the DMV.

Question: Does exhaustion ever make you yearn for the comfort of a blanky and a bottle?

In Lesson 37 we will look at how being excessively hungry can trigger a regressive outburst of anger or rage.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Certain Words Can Trigger Regression and Rage--Lesson 35

Certain words trigger regressions. During a couples’ session, Sam told his wife Luanne that when they would fight and she’d say before walking away, “I hate you!” he would lose it every time and want to get in his car and never come back. “I don’t know what it is about those words that make me feel about five years old. They scare me to death.”

After Luanne took a break, I asked Sam to try and remember where he’d heard those words before. What he discovered was emotional memories that had been buried alive in him for decades. When his father and mother fought what he called knock-down, drag out fights, just as his father would leave and not come back sometimes his mother would say, “I hate you!”

“Every time Luanne says those words she becomes my mom and I become a little boy wondering if and when I’ll ever see my father again.”
When Luanne returned, Sam told her about his parents’ fights and about the words his mother used. Luanne cried and said she didn’t know this and that she would promise to try and never say those words again and that she was sad that he had to hear those painful words as a child. They fell into each other’s arms and wept.

Question: Are there certain words that trigger a disproportional response?

In Lesson 36 we will explore the pre-conditions for emotional regression, anger and rage.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Certain Body Language Can Trigger Us--Lesson 34

Experts and researchers in body language report that 85% to 95% of all communication is non-verbal. So no matter how many foreign languages one masters the body speaks louder and more precisely than our words.
A raised eyebrow at the wrong moment can send a person back to sitting in an uncomfortable pew listening to a pastor pointing out how they have failed or sinned. The crossing of arms, hands on hips, pursed lips or the drumming of the fingers on a table can all become temporary time-traveling devices that lead us back to the anger and rage we couldn’t show or articulate at the time.

Question: Is there a particular body posture that sends you back to childhood?

In Lesson 35 we will take a look at how certain words trigger anger and rage.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Why Certain "Looks" or "Sounds" Can Trigger Regression and Rage--Lesson 33

CERTAIN LOOKS
Everyone has seen the “look of love”, but looks can exude less than happy vibes. The way someone looks at you can trigger a regression. The amygdala remembers only rough, raw details to keep us safe. A woman who looks at a man can be misinterpreted and misconstrued and illicit the phrase, “Why are you looking at me like that?” She might respond, “Like what?” And if he were not regressed he might say, “Like the look the father gave me when he wanted to punish me, or “A football coach in Jr. High”, or “my mother.” This part of the brain doesn’t remember the details as to whether the perceived threat, real or imagined, came from a man or woman.

CERTAIN SOUNDS
Randy almost disappears into thin air every time he hears a fire truck’s siren. “I can’t help it. That sound scares me to death. When I was seven our house burned to the ground and we barely got out alive. Now no matter where I am, if I hear the siren I go right back to that moment even though the fire was over fifty years ago.”
One afternoon in a couples session with Julie and Rachel, they shared with each other things that made each angry and frustrated. Suddenly Julie said to Rachel, “Why are taking that tone of voice with me?” Ultimately, we discovered it was a similar tone her ex-husband would take many times during their marriage.

Question: Have you ever been triggered just by the way someone was looking at you?

In Lesson 34 We will explore "Body Language" and how it communicates volumes.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

"Too Little" Can Be A Regressor That Leads To Rage: Lesson 32

The other very popular regression producer is “too little.” Again the phrase “too little, too late” comes to mind. All the things that regress people when they are given in excess can just easily regress others if they aren’t given enough of it. The lack or small amount of anything like food, touch or attention propels them into that small, little feeling.

Too little tenderness, sex, rest, solitude, or companionship can transfer a person right back to their past. Our bodies, minds, and psyche need order and balance to function properly. This deprivation keeps you regressed until you balance things out.

Think back to the children’s story of The Three Bears and Goldie Locks. This is a remedial way of teaching about regression and how children and grownups must find out what is “Just Right” for them. The job that is too big can repel us out of the present. A job that does not stimulate us is too little. A visit with one’s parents that is too long leaves us wanting a blanky and a bottle. Visits that are too infrequent and too short leave us longing and lying down in a short bed of regression.

Question: If you get "too little" of what can make you feel small or little?

In Lesson 33 we will explore some non-verbal triggers.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Other Potential Regressors that Can Lead To Rage--Lesson 31

TOO MUCH

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Too much of a good thing.” For many “too much” is one of the triggers of emotional regression. Too much of nearly anything is fertile ground for the seeds of regression to burst into full bloom. For example: too much alcohol, drugs or chemicals turn full grown adults into raging, fighting teenagers or children who take their toys and go home.

Too much money can make one regress. Before you balk at that statement, think of the history and statistics of lottery winners. Fifty percent of those winners are in worse financial shape two years after winning than they were prior to holding the magic numbers. But even if you aren’t cursed with the problem of excess money, you have probably experienced too much talking or stimulation or food. When you get out of balance and overindulge in anything, you will pay the price—regression.

Too much criticism, blaming, preaching or teaching can turn an adult into a raging tantrum-throwing child. You have people at work or home that will feel overwhelmed, resentful and enraged when you give them too much attention or information.

Question: Can you identify what is "too much" of something that triggers an outburst of anger or rage?


In Lesson 32 we will examine "Too Little" and how it can trigger regression.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

An Exercise That Points To Regression--Lesson 30

The previous pages have provided you with real case histories that illustrate the different forms regression and the accompanying rage can take. Look at the following list and find the triggers for your own regression and then use this information to help catch yourself falling into regression.

EXERCISE
On a scale of 1-5, circle the ones that very often trigger a regression; it makes you feel small, little, less than the powerful adult you are or makes you tend to lose it.

SHAMING 1 2 3 4 5
BLAMING 1 2 3 4 5
CRITICIZING 1 2 3 4 5
PREACHING 1 2 3 4 5
TEACHING THAT IS PATRONIZING 1 2 3 4 5
JUDGING 1 2 3 4 5
ANALYZING 1 2 3 4 5
SARCASM 1 2 3 4 5
PUT-DOWNS 1 2 3 4 5
JOKES AT OTHER’S EXPENSE 1 2 3 4 5
SABOTAGE 1 2 3 4 5
CONTROL 1 2 3 4 5
MANIPULATION 1 2 3 4 5
LIES 1 2 3 4 5
GOSSIP 1 2 3 4 5
ONE-UPSMANSHIP 1 2 3 4 5

Now, look at the boxes where you checked 4’s and 5’s. When buttons are pushed, how old do you feel? In other words, if you put a 4 or 5 in Criticism or Sarcasm, what age in your life did these take you back to?

Question: Which of the above do you see as major triggers for regression and possibly rage?

In Lesson 31 you will find another list of possible regressors that can lead to soft rage.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Present Person People Erasing with Regression--Lesson 29

"You’re just like my first husband or “You are all alike,” “All women lie,” “All men cheat,” “You’re just like the other therapist.” These phrases suggest present person people erasing; meaning that they replace the human being in front of them with someone from their past and then they rage.

When someone’s past is triggered they tend to vent with the one who triggered the emotional memory. Or they tend to go to the least objectionable person possible.

When Jackie’s husband left her she said, “The first thing I did was call my mother, that’s how regressed I was. My mother didn’t finish calling him names before saying, ‘I told you when I met Jimmy that he wasn’t any good for you and that you could have done much better. Maybe you’ll listen to your mother next time.’ I felt about two years old. When she got through berating my husband, who by the way came back and we eventually worked everything out, I was looking for a womb to crawl into and more enraged with her than when I was with him.”

Question:When was the last time you got triggered and regressed and raged?

In Lesson 30 you will be given an exercise to see what things trigger you the most.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Emotional Regression: A "Present People Eraser"--Lesson 28

Another powerful way to think about emotional regression is that it is a present person people eraser. When Adrian and his wife Sandra argue, “She throws things; her purse, pillows, nothing hard and she doesn’t throw them at me, but it’s like I see my father who did throw things at me when he was mad. He hurt me several times. I got a black eye once. I turn this five feet two inch, ninety pound wife who wouldn’t hurt a fly into a six foot, two hundred pound dad from forty some years ago,” he said during a session about his fears of anger and rage. Adrian’s regression caused Sandra to disappear, and his father to come back out of the past.

Question: Have you ever made someone disappear during extreme anger or rage or have you ever said to someone, "You don't see me or "I'm not your mother or father or ex?

In Lesson 29 I will provide further examples of how we transform a present person into a past person.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.