Now You Tell Me

What makes you angry? Every time someone does, doesn't do, says, doesn't say?? You always get angry. How do you deal with your anger? What do you do when it slips over into rage? Anything you can tell me about anger will help me to help others so I'm listening.

What were you taught about anger when you were growing up?

Who was allowed to show anger in your home?

Thanks so much for answering these questions. There are now over 80 posts on this blog dealing with anger. I hope they help.

Beginning in Sept. my 1-3 day intensives will be available in Austin, Tx. as well as Mentone, AL. I appreciate your support.

How To Tell The Difference

HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANGER AND RAGE
There are a number of ways to tell the differences between rage and anger:

•Rage takes a long time to express—hours, days, weeks, months, years and lifetimes.
•Anger expressed appropriately takes minutes at the most.
•Rage is never resolved in a short conversation.
•Anger is done in a sentence or two, maybe even three or four.
•Rage consists of paragraphs, pages, volumes and epics.
•With rage there is no relief when expressed.
•Anger expressed relaxes us and sometimes even the other person because now they feel safer with us because they know how we feel.
•Rage always equals distance, disaster, and divorce.

Which do you do? There are now over 80 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Beginning in Sept. 1-3 Day intensives will be available in Austin, Tx. as well as Mentone, AL.

Codependency, Resentment and Anger II

A codependent is forever relying on external sources to make and keep them happy. If they have enough money they’re happy and if they don’t they’re unable to be calm and at peace. If their children are happy then they are happy. If their wife or husband is doing well then they feel they are doing well. If momma is happy or daddy is happy then everyone in the family is temporarily comfortable, and secure.
There is little or no ability in a codependent to internally create peace of mind, serenity, self-esteem, and self-worth as we focus on others and in the process look damn good and burned out.

There are more than 75 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

BEGINNING SEPT. 1-3 DAY LONG INTENSIVES AVAILABLE IN AUSTIN, TX.

Codpendency Continues To Increase Anger

Codependency is an unfair, uneven exchange of energy. The Codependent gives and gives and gets little if anything. The Codependent enters a room feeling good, happy, and full of energy only to see someone sad, tired and lonely. The classic codependent leaves feeling sad, tired, and lonely but satisfied that the other person feels much better than before they came. Codependency is the way people numb their own feelings.

There are over 75 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

BEGINNING IN SEPT. 1-3 DAY INTENSIVES IN AUSTIN, TX.

Codependency, Resentment and Anger

Codependency has become a familiar term these days. You here it mentioned in sit-coms. But while it is familiar it’s still very misunderstood and still one of the leading causes of divorce, misunderstandings, pain and relationship problems at home and work in part because the codependent person is often resentful and thus very angry.
So what is codependency anyhow? Codependency is an immersion and pre-occupation with everybody’s business but our own. It is making sure everyone’s needs are taken care of while neglecting our own needs.

Tomorrow I will define this common complaint more thoroughly.

There are now over 75 posts regarding anger, rage, and much more in this blog. I hope they help.

Staying True To Ourselves Decreases Anger

Good boundaries and limits actually increase intimacy, clarity, communication, and vulnerability because you can say “no” when you need to. You can also say “yes” when you want to. You know where you stand and let others know more about you. It enhances other people’s feelings of safety and trust because they can rely on you when you say: “no more,” “enough,” “stop,” or, “its okay, you can come closer. When we don’t compromise our boundaries and limits no matter what someone may think and stay true to ourselves, everyone involved wins in the long run of any relationship but if we don’t we can end up becoming very Codependent which seriously undermines any attempt or effort we make to become more emotionally intelligent people.

Emotional Intelligence, Boundaries and Anger

The emotionally intelligent adult can easily set boundaries and limits that can be pulled in, extended or shifted based on choice, new information, or more experience; depending on the individual situations and people. Our boundaries and limits are clear to us and to those we live with, love, or work with. Good boundaries and limits help protect us without isolating or pushing people away. They keep us at a safe distance so that we don’t have to accept anyone’s rage, shaming, or abusive words, actions or demeaning behaviors.

There are now over 75 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Knowing Your Limits Reduces Anger and Rage

PURPOSES OF LIMITS
Limits not only help us establish the difference between caring for and care-taking, they separate quantity from quality. Caring for and staying within one's limits leaves us feeling like there has been a compassionate exchange of time, energy, respect, and love. Care-taking very often leaves us drained, exhausted and resentful because we went way past our limits.
Here are a few more examples of less dramatic ways to thinks about limits:
•I’ll only be able to go one more week.
•I’ll explain this two more times.
•I can talk about his for thirty minutes.
•I’ll give my boss one month to respond to my request.

Going Past Your Limits

Shirley calls me up and says, "I'm so angry at my son I could just wring his head off."
"Tell me about it," I said.
"I told him I would put him through two of the best rehabs in the country and then if they didn't get him off drugs he'd be on his own."
"How did that go?"
"I have put him through four rehabs and he still uses."
"So you are angry at him because he doesn't know your limits any better than you do?"
Luckily for me she laughed.
A limit says, "This is how far I will go along with _________." You fill in the blank.
Knowing what our limits are and honoring them can reduce anger and rage significantly.

In this blog there is now over 70 lessons on anger management. Hope they help.

The Fine Line Between Anger and Rage

So you are angry, angrier, angriest you've been in a long time but then all of a sudden you have crossed that invisible line into rage. Now your words don't make any sense, even you are not sure what you are trying so say; it takes you ten times longer to say it and your blood pressure is headed towards the roof that you are trying to raise with sheer bluster and noise. Welcome to the land of rage--the place you said you would never go like those you saw going there when you were a kid.

Rage is anger's ugly cousin and always ends in distance, disasters and divorce.

In this blog there is now over 70 short posts about anger management and how to avoid rage. Hope they help.

Just What Is Anger Anyway?

Anger is the most misunderstood, maligned emotion men, women, children have on a regular basis. Anger is a feeling--nothing more--nothing less. It is an emotional response to injustice, abuse and inappropriate behaviors and words. Anger is for getting out of stuck places. Sadness and grief is for having been in them for so long. Anger is energy and when it is expressed appropriately equals more energy, intimacy and serenity.

Why then is everyone so afraid of this basic, primary emotion? Because it is confused with its' ugly kissing cousin Rage which hurts everyone and always equals distance, disaster and divorce.

When did you first become afraid of your own or other people's anger that was really rage in disguise?

Growing Up With Anger or Rage?

Bill said to me, "My father was the angriest man I've ever known." Sherry said, "My husband is angry all the time." Sam said, "Why is my wife so angry all the time?" When I asked them all to tell me how they expressed their anger we found these people weren't ever angry but they were full of rage and were either in-ragers or out-ragers. Remember anger is a feeling that if expressed appropriately hurts or injures no one. Rage is an action or behavior that numbs people's feelings of sadness, fear, loneliness and even anger and always hurts everyone.

Do you get angry? Or do you get in-raged or gravitate to outrage?

There are now more than 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Disproportional Anger equals Rage

"You are making a mountain out of a molehill." "Where is all of this coming from?" "This is too much to be just about..." All of these are trying to tell us that we are over-reacting and "blowing things out of proportion." When we are using excessive energy, too many words and taking to long to tell someone that we are angry we have usually crossed that invisible line and are now in rage territory. Now no one is going to listen or take us seriously nor should they until we are giving the issue "just due."

There are more than 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Boundary Violations and Anger

A boundary violation is when someone knows that Jennifer doesn’t like to be teased about her hair and they do it anyway. Being told that the volume is too loud and then they persist—violation. Having been told someone doesn’t like to be hugged by strangers and the person keeps pushing to do so—violation. Of course there are much more serious violations than the above examples, but you get the picture.
How do you know when a boundary violation has taken place until you are really familiar and comfortable with yours and other’s boundaries? One answer is you will be a little or a lot angry. Good boundaries reduces anger and rage.

There are over 50 lessons on Anger Management and much more in this blog. I hope it helps.

Building Boundaries & Tearing Down Walls

As I said in yesterday's post. Good boundaries can reduce anger and rage.
First, a boundary is not a wall. Walls are put in place by people who cannot establish boundaries or do not know how to establish boundaries. We can tell the difference between a boundary and a wall by looking at our family and friends to see if they have flat heads from banging them against our walls or calluses on their hands from trying to tear them down. Many of us know more about wall construction than boundary building.
Boundaries help us to separate our thoughts and feelings from those of other people—including, but not limited to—our parents, children, spouses, or friends. Boundaries help us figure out who we are and who we aren’t. They show us where we begin and end and where someone else begins and ends, by establishing the appropriate psychological, emotional, and physical space between us.

There are over 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Boundaries Reduce Anger

Good boundaries can reduce anger and rage by 50-80 percent. Boundaries are lines that you draw in the sand, on the carpet, in the air, in your soul, in your body and in life in general. These are lines that others can’t cross without consequences and repercussions. A boundary is not imaginary, though you may not be able to see it. It says, “This is how close you can come to me—physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually and verbally.”

Are your boundaries intact?

There are 51 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.