Now You Tell Me

What makes you angry? Every time someone does, doesn't do, says, doesn't say?? You always get angry. How do you deal with your anger? What do you do when it slips over into rage? Anything you can tell me about anger will help me to help others so I'm listening.

What were you taught about anger when you were growing up?

Who was allowed to show anger in your home?

Thanks so much for answering these questions. There are now over 80 posts on this blog dealing with anger. I hope they help.

Beginning in Sept. my 1-3 day intensives will be available in Austin, Tx. as well as Mentone, AL. I appreciate your support.

How To Tell The Difference

HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANGER AND RAGE
There are a number of ways to tell the differences between rage and anger:

•Rage takes a long time to express—hours, days, weeks, months, years and lifetimes.
•Anger expressed appropriately takes minutes at the most.
•Rage is never resolved in a short conversation.
•Anger is done in a sentence or two, maybe even three or four.
•Rage consists of paragraphs, pages, volumes and epics.
•With rage there is no relief when expressed.
•Anger expressed relaxes us and sometimes even the other person because now they feel safer with us because they know how we feel.
•Rage always equals distance, disaster, and divorce.

Which do you do? There are now over 80 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Beginning in Sept. 1-3 Day intensives will be available in Austin, Tx. as well as Mentone, AL.

Codpendency Continues To Increase Anger

Codependency is an unfair, uneven exchange of energy. The Codependent gives and gives and gets little if anything. The Codependent enters a room feeling good, happy, and full of energy only to see someone sad, tired and lonely. The classic codependent leaves feeling sad, tired, and lonely but satisfied that the other person feels much better than before they came. Codependency is the way people numb their own feelings.

There are over 75 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

BEGINNING IN SEPT. 1-3 DAY INTENSIVES IN AUSTIN, TX.

Emotional Intelligence, Boundaries and Anger

The emotionally intelligent adult can easily set boundaries and limits that can be pulled in, extended or shifted based on choice, new information, or more experience; depending on the individual situations and people. Our boundaries and limits are clear to us and to those we live with, love, or work with. Good boundaries and limits help protect us without isolating or pushing people away. They keep us at a safe distance so that we don’t have to accept anyone’s rage, shaming, or abusive words, actions or demeaning behaviors.

There are now over 75 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

The Fine Line Between Anger and Rage

So you are angry, angrier, angriest you've been in a long time but then all of a sudden you have crossed that invisible line into rage. Now your words don't make any sense, even you are not sure what you are trying so say; it takes you ten times longer to say it and your blood pressure is headed towards the roof that you are trying to raise with sheer bluster and noise. Welcome to the land of rage--the place you said you would never go like those you saw going there when you were a kid.

Rage is anger's ugly cousin and always ends in distance, disasters and divorce.

In this blog there is now over 70 short posts about anger management and how to avoid rage. Hope they help.

Just What Is Anger Anyway?

Anger is the most misunderstood, maligned emotion men, women, children have on a regular basis. Anger is a feeling--nothing more--nothing less. It is an emotional response to injustice, abuse and inappropriate behaviors and words. Anger is for getting out of stuck places. Sadness and grief is for having been in them for so long. Anger is energy and when it is expressed appropriately equals more energy, intimacy and serenity.

Why then is everyone so afraid of this basic, primary emotion? Because it is confused with its' ugly kissing cousin Rage which hurts everyone and always equals distance, disaster and divorce.

When did you first become afraid of your own or other people's anger that was really rage in disguise?

Growing Up With Anger or Rage?

Bill said to me, "My father was the angriest man I've ever known." Sherry said, "My husband is angry all the time." Sam said, "Why is my wife so angry all the time?" When I asked them all to tell me how they expressed their anger we found these people weren't ever angry but they were full of rage and were either in-ragers or out-ragers. Remember anger is a feeling that if expressed appropriately hurts or injures no one. Rage is an action or behavior that numbs people's feelings of sadness, fear, loneliness and even anger and always hurts everyone.

Do you get angry? Or do you get in-raged or gravitate to outrage?

There are now more than 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Disproportional Anger equals Rage

"You are making a mountain out of a molehill." "Where is all of this coming from?" "This is too much to be just about..." All of these are trying to tell us that we are over-reacting and "blowing things out of proportion." When we are using excessive energy, too many words and taking to long to tell someone that we are angry we have usually crossed that invisible line and are now in rage territory. Now no one is going to listen or take us seriously nor should they until we are giving the issue "just due."

There are more than 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Boundary Violations and Anger

A boundary violation is when someone knows that Jennifer doesn’t like to be teased about her hair and they do it anyway. Being told that the volume is too loud and then they persist—violation. Having been told someone doesn’t like to be hugged by strangers and the person keeps pushing to do so—violation. Of course there are much more serious violations than the above examples, but you get the picture.
How do you know when a boundary violation has taken place until you are really familiar and comfortable with yours and other’s boundaries? One answer is you will be a little or a lot angry. Good boundaries reduces anger and rage.

There are over 50 lessons on Anger Management and much more in this blog. I hope it helps.

Boundaries Reduce Anger

Good boundaries can reduce anger and rage by 50-80 percent. Boundaries are lines that you draw in the sand, on the carpet, in the air, in your soul, in your body and in life in general. These are lines that others can’t cross without consequences and repercussions. A boundary is not imaginary, though you may not be able to see it. It says, “This is how close you can come to me—physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually and verbally.”

Are your boundaries intact?

There are 51 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

The Interrogator, Intimidator and Poor Me

"What time did I tell you to be home?" "How many more times do we have to discuss this?" "Who were you with?" "How much did you have to drink?" The interrogator fires off a rapid series of questions. They have a way to make you talk.

The Intimidator gets big and loud and fills up the whole room so everyone in it will get small and quiet or they fill up the office or room with silence so thick you can cut it with a knife.

The Poor Me says, "It is not my fault I am late for the meeting. I got a phone call just as I was getting ready to leave and they just kept talking and talking. Don't blame me, blame them."

All three are forms that rage takes. Which one do you gravitate to?

There are 51 other lessons on this blog. I hope they help.

Fine and Whatever

"Fine!" says the enraged man or woman as they turn and walk away. "Whatever!" says the troubled teen as they throw up their hand in disgust and pout for the rest of the day. Put the two together--"Fine! Whatever!" and you have the three ways people go distant when it comes to conflict or confrontation. All three are soft rage and we hear or see someone using them all the time.

There are four styles of rage and the Distancer is one of them. In tomorrow's post I will go into two or three more.

There are 51 other lessons in the archive section of this blog. I hope they help.

"Don't Analyze Me"

"Are you angry with me."
"No. I'm just trying to figure you out. I want to understand why you did what you did, said what you said and didn't do what I told you to do."
Most people hate to be "analyzed" when they are not asking for it or paying for it. It is a form of disrespectful soft rage. It suggests that the person who is doing the analyzing is superior to the one getting a free Freudian session.

Have you been angry with someone but didn't want to feel it or express it and you employed some of the behaviors I have mentioned in this blog the last few days? Most of us have.

There are over 50 other lessons on anger and anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Judge and Jury and Anger and Rage

Most people spend a lot of time judging and finding lots of people guilty. When many think they are telling someone how they feel they are really judging the other person's behavior, character, personality, decisions and actions. "You shouldn't have said what you said, did what you did,and was wrong for doing so." In other words I'm going to tell you about you and then when I get finished doing so you are going to judge how I said what I said, should have said something different or better and then when you're finished it is my turn again. At the end of this torturous trial we are all found guilty and you don't know any more about me and I don't know any more about you.

Have you been judge and jury recently while you were just "telling" someone how you feel?

There are 51 more lessons on anger and anger management in this blog. Hope it helps.

Preaching The Gospel According To You

Have you ever preached the gospel according to you? You pull out the book of Mom or Dad, Friend or Lover and turn to chapter and verse only to find out no one in your family signed up to be members of your congregation.
Don't get me wrong. If you go to church, temple, mosque you expect to get some good preachin'. Preaching "at" someone can be one of the worst kinds of soft rage.

Trying to "teach" someone can be just as abusive unless they are really registered for your class.

There are 51 other lessons on this blog. Hope it helps a little.

No Joke--anger or rage?

Freud declared in his book Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious that laughter is a "discharge of psychical energy." Everyone loves a "good" joke because we can learn a lot while laughing. As the writer George Bernard Shaw said, "When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth."
However no one likes to be the "butt" of a joke. Jokes that demeans, demoralizes or belittles are more often than not a form that rage takes. Anytime you have to add at the end of a joke that "it is just a joke" it probably isn't a joke. The one telling it usually has to add, "I was just kidding."

There are 17 more things many/most people "do" when they think they are expressing their anger. Tomorrow I will look at two of the big ones. The other fifteen can be found in my book The Anger Solution. Thanks for your support.

More Differences Between Anger and Rage

Expressing anger appropriately draws people into a conversation. Rage pushes everyone out the door. Anger can be used effectively to deal with conflicts and confrontations. Rage creates more conflict and invites chaos. Rage equals distance, disaster and divorce. Rage actually runs from conflict though it may temporarily appear as if the person doing it is engaged.

On my blog theangersolutionbyjohnlee.blogspot.com you will find 51 lessons and in my book The Anger Solution available in bookstores and online you will find even more useful info. Thanks for your continued support.

The Differences Between Anger and Rage

Anger is a feeling. Rage is an action or behavior that numbs people's feelings as successfully as any drug or alcohol. Anger is about what is happening, not happening, being said or done or not said or done in the "here and now." Rage is about what has happened in the recent or distant past. Anger takes minutes or moments at the most to be expressed appropriately and rage takes forever and forever and is never appropriate.
More differences in tomorrow's blog. See the 51 lessons already posted on The Anger Solution blog.

Question: Do you tend to express anger or rage?

I'm Back with More Info on Anger

Anger expressed appropriately equals energy, intimacy and peace of mind. However, the key word is "appropriately." Most people have never seen, heard or spoken anger appropriately. That is what my books The Anger Solution, The Missing Peace and Facing the Fire:Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately and this daily blog is all about and much more. I hope you will join me with your questions, comments, concerns and experiences with this very misunderstood emotion.

Currently on my blog I have 51 lessons about Anger work, anger management and much more.

Question: What makes you angry quite often but you don't know how to express it?

Signs of Regression, Anger & Rage--Lesson 41

Remember different things regress people differently but there are a few almost universal signs and signals that we are heading into our past histories. These signals are for both the one triggering the regression and the one who is feeling regressed.

STORY TIME
Here’s an example: James is a boss, who is experiencing his own regression. His company is in the red, business is off by 40%. On Friday afternoon, he says to his employee, Alex, “I want to see you in my office first thing Monday morning.” What does Alex do? If statements like James' triggers an emotional memory like the one Alex has of his mother saying something like, “Wait until your father gets home”, or “The principal is out today but he will deal with you Wednesday,” Alex will begin Story Time.

All weekend long he will make up stories about what his boss wants to talk about. Perhaps it was the fax paper he took home? No, wait. It was the personal charges made on the corporate card, or maybe worse—termination. With each worst case story, Alex gets angrier and angrier and then finally settles into rage. No one in the history of employment has ever made up the story, “Hey, I bet he wants to talk about that raise I so readily deserve.” When Alex exhausts all possible stories and gets to James' office he is exhausted and feeling about five inches tall.

Question: What story or stories do you tell yourself when your spouse doesn't call like they said they would or your children stay out later than they are allowed?

In Tomorrow's Lesson 42 we will continue with part II of Story Time and Regression and Rage.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.