Now You Tell Me

What makes you angry? Every time someone does, doesn't do, says, doesn't say?? You always get angry. How do you deal with your anger? What do you do when it slips over into rage? Anything you can tell me about anger will help me to help others so I'm listening.

What were you taught about anger when you were growing up?

Who was allowed to show anger in your home?

Thanks so much for answering these questions. There are now over 80 posts on this blog dealing with anger. I hope they help.

Beginning in Sept. my 1-3 day intensives will be available in Austin, Tx. as well as Mentone, AL. I appreciate your support.

How To Tell The Difference

HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANGER AND RAGE
There are a number of ways to tell the differences between rage and anger:

•Rage takes a long time to express—hours, days, weeks, months, years and lifetimes.
•Anger expressed appropriately takes minutes at the most.
•Rage is never resolved in a short conversation.
•Anger is done in a sentence or two, maybe even three or four.
•Rage consists of paragraphs, pages, volumes and epics.
•With rage there is no relief when expressed.
•Anger expressed relaxes us and sometimes even the other person because now they feel safer with us because they know how we feel.
•Rage always equals distance, disaster, and divorce.

Which do you do? There are now over 80 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Beginning in Sept. 1-3 Day intensives will be available in Austin, Tx. as well as Mentone, AL.

The Fine Line Between Anger and Rage

So you are angry, angrier, angriest you've been in a long time but then all of a sudden you have crossed that invisible line into rage. Now your words don't make any sense, even you are not sure what you are trying so say; it takes you ten times longer to say it and your blood pressure is headed towards the roof that you are trying to raise with sheer bluster and noise. Welcome to the land of rage--the place you said you would never go like those you saw going there when you were a kid.

Rage is anger's ugly cousin and always ends in distance, disasters and divorce.

In this blog there is now over 70 short posts about anger management and how to avoid rage. Hope they help.

Just What Is Anger Anyway?

Anger is the most misunderstood, maligned emotion men, women, children have on a regular basis. Anger is a feeling--nothing more--nothing less. It is an emotional response to injustice, abuse and inappropriate behaviors and words. Anger is for getting out of stuck places. Sadness and grief is for having been in them for so long. Anger is energy and when it is expressed appropriately equals more energy, intimacy and serenity.

Why then is everyone so afraid of this basic, primary emotion? Because it is confused with its' ugly kissing cousin Rage which hurts everyone and always equals distance, disaster and divorce.

When did you first become afraid of your own or other people's anger that was really rage in disguise?

Growing Up With Anger or Rage?

Bill said to me, "My father was the angriest man I've ever known." Sherry said, "My husband is angry all the time." Sam said, "Why is my wife so angry all the time?" When I asked them all to tell me how they expressed their anger we found these people weren't ever angry but they were full of rage and were either in-ragers or out-ragers. Remember anger is a feeling that if expressed appropriately hurts or injures no one. Rage is an action or behavior that numbs people's feelings of sadness, fear, loneliness and even anger and always hurts everyone.

Do you get angry? Or do you get in-raged or gravitate to outrage?

There are now more than 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Disproportional Anger equals Rage

"You are making a mountain out of a molehill." "Where is all of this coming from?" "This is too much to be just about..." All of these are trying to tell us that we are over-reacting and "blowing things out of proportion." When we are using excessive energy, too many words and taking to long to tell someone that we are angry we have usually crossed that invisible line and are now in rage territory. Now no one is going to listen or take us seriously nor should they until we are giving the issue "just due."

There are more than 50 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Demeaning and Demoralizing and Anger

Demeaning--"I don't think you are ever going to fully understand. You just aren't that insightful." Demoralizing--"You are never going to amount to anything." Many people use demeaning and demoralizing language when they "think" they are telling someone how they feel. When we express anger appropriately we tell the other person about ourselves and when we rage we tell the person about themselves.
Raging--I'm going to tell you about you. Anger--I'm going to tell you about me.

Which one do you tend to gravitate to--shaming, blaming, demeaning, or demoralizing?

In tomorrow's blog I will go into two more raging behaviors.

There are 51 lessons on anger posted in this blog.

The Differences Between Anger and Rage

Anger is a feeling. Rage is an action or behavior that numbs people's feelings as successfully as any drug or alcohol. Anger is about what is happening, not happening, being said or done or not said or done in the "here and now." Rage is about what has happened in the recent or distant past. Anger takes minutes or moments at the most to be expressed appropriately and rage takes forever and forever and is never appropriate.
More differences in tomorrow's blog. See the 51 lessons already posted on The Anger Solution blog.

Question: Do you tend to express anger or rage?

Anger is a primary feeling

Many people have been told and convinced by others that anger is a "secondary" feeling or not a feeling at all but rather it covers up feelings of fear, sadness and other emotions. Rage is what covers and numbs people's feeling of sadness, fear, loneliness and even anger.
I have posted 51 lessons on this blog that will prove that anger is a feeling. In my next blog post I will tell you the differences between anger and its ugly kissin' cousin rage.

Not Talking Enough As A Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 51

Your partner, boss, or friend looks at you patiently with baited breath. They drum their fingers on the kitchen table or pat their knees as they wait for you to talk. The silence is deafening. Forgetting that they are talking to a forty-year old man and not a child of four, they ask, “So what do you have to say for yourself?” Or perhaps these tried and failed words are spoken, while you are lost in your history, “I don’t hear anything,” “You do know it is your turn to talk.”
The temporarily mute person searches the corners of their mind for the right words that can be used to resolve the conflict before shrugging and blurting out,” I don’t have anything to say,” “What do you want me to say?” “Just write it up and I’ll confess and sign,” or they just storm out of the room.

The words won’t come. Hours later, the dumbfounded person finally thinks of what they should have said and repeats the responses over and over in their heads. They return to the logical, reasonable, rational, choice-making, word choosing portion of the brain and then analyze what went wrong. They realize they weren’t being grilled by an irate parent but just or angry husband or wife. They understand it wasn’t the junior high principal that caught them smoking when they were thirteen but rather a boss who wanted to know why the project they were working on wasn’t finished.
The right words come too late and we feel foolish, small, and little and certainly less powerful then we usually are. The tightening in the chest, the clinched jaw, and the grinding our teeth at night are all still there. The tension and stress is locked in the body, and is not set free until they get the release they long for, which may be followed by rage.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Why Brain Chemistry Makes Us Feel Choicless--Lesson 49

Choice is a function of the neo-cortex or the new brain. Scientists tell us this portion of the human brain is roughly ten thousand years old. This new brain is capable of rational and logical thought processes. According to Antonio Damasio, In The Feeling What Happens, the neo-cortex permits, “fine perceptions, language, and high reason. It allows us to ‘think’ about our choices and reason out our options.” The neo-cortex and the developed pre-frontal lobes are basically inactive during the regressed state.

During regression, it is our reptilian or “old brain” that is in charge. This section of the human brain is what we share with reptiles; it has been keeping humans safe for over one hundred thousand years. This brain is only capable of performing the most basic functions; eating, excreting, and procreating and is limited when there is a threat to our physical or emotional survival—real or imagined. It tells us to do one of three things—fight, flight, and freeze.

Question: When was the last time you felt the only choices you had were to fight with words, run away by shutting down, or freezing until the situation was over?

In Lesson 50 we will continue to look at choicelessness and brain chemistry.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

No Choice As A Sign of Regression and Rage Part 2--Lesson 48

Arnold said,” I have too many bills to pay and a kid in college and another about to graduate from high school and go to college. I can’t quit my job. I just have to grit my teeth, suck it up and stay at a job that really sucks.

When working with a person who really feels and thinks that they don’t have a choice I first have to help them see their regression, deal with the triggers that are sending them back in time, explore the emotional memory and hopefully facilitate a discharge and release the pent up, stored energy whether it is rag or sadness.
Once this is accomplished then I can help them see the choices that have been right in front of them all along. Now a friend can offer suggestions, their pastor can recommend books to read. But if their well-intentional help is offered before the person comes out of their regression it all falls on deaf ears.

I’m sure you’ve had these frustrating conversations with friends who tell you about a crisis or a problem they are having and you pull out your best advice, lovingly give them options and choices and they respond with, “You just don’t understand,” “No I can’t do that,” “I wish it was that easy.”

Question: What areas of life do you often feel, "I don't have a choice?"

In Lesson 49 we will explore the brain chemistry behind feeling like you don't have a choice.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

No Choices--Sign of Regression,rage and anger--Lesson 47

When I asked Charlotte why she didn’t leave her verbally abusive husband, she said, “Because I don’t have that choice.” When I asked Arnold why he doesn’t quit the job that offered no chance for advancement or increase in pay, he too replied, “I didn’t have a choice.”

When an adult feels like they have no choice they get angry or enraged and are usually in a regressed state. It often takes someone else (who is not regressed) to offer them choices, point out options because the regressed person can’t hear them, see them or act on them.

When working with a person who really feels and thinks that they don’t have a choice I first have to help them see their regression, deal with the triggers that are sending them back in time, explore the emotional memory and hopefully facilitate a discharge and release the pent up, stored energy whether it is rag or sadness.

Question: Can you remember times where at the time you felt like you didn't have a choice only to come out of regression and finally see multiple choices?

In Lesson 48 we will continue looking at "No Choice."
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

The Disproportional Reaction, Regression and Rage--Lesson 46

I’m sure everyone reading this has either said or heard someone say to them, “Where is all of this coming from?” “This” being all of their excessive energy about the problem or issue being discussed. The disproportional reaction feels overwhelming for many and just plain scary for others.

Those on the receiving end often feel they are being flooded by the speaker’s words that make up unfair accusations, insinuations and criticism. This torrent of energy is not usually enthusiasm but rather judgment and shame. Therefore, the listener tends to feel pushed away or wants to run away. But most of all they feel confused. “Why is he talking to me this way?” Jill asked me one day during a consultation, “It’s like he’s talking to someone else and he doesn’t even see me. Sometimes I think he’s shouting at his first wife or his mother.” I asked her how this made her feel. “Scared and angry. It pushed all my buttons and I feel like a little girl back in my parent’s house where I never felt seen either.”

Question: Have you said or has someone said to you recently, "Where is all of this coming from?

In Lesson 47 Feeling Like We Don't Have A Choice--another sign of regression that often leads to rage.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

"Child Time" as a Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 44

A four year old says to their mom or dad, “When are we going to go see grandma?” The look of excitement and expectation turns into desperation when the parent replies, “In two weeks.” Two weeks is an eternity for children. You may recall how summers lasted forever and Christmas never came.

That four year old, forty years later goes to the doctor on Monday because of some condition that produces concern and anxiety. The doctor speeds in, checks them over and on his way out says, “We’ll have these tests back on Friday and try not to worry.” Monday to Friday feels how long? Like an eternity. It is almost exactly the same feeling that children have because the adult has regressed and is back in Child Time, which is full of worse case stories.

When men and women regress, time gets weird. Regression leads to time being compressed or expanded where time is more dreamlike. Minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days, days seem like months and months, well months can be decades. But the good news is once you know this to be a sign of regression you catch it and bring time back to its normal feel and thus reduce anxiety and fear.

Question: Do you remember the last time an hour seemed like a day, a day seemed like a week and you were anxious, small, little, angry, maybe even raging?

In Lesson 45 we will continue to explore the phenomenon of "child time".
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Story Time Part 3 A Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 43

Cheri is a stay at home mother. Twice divorced she has trouble trusting her current husband. Her first husband died in a car crash and her second one cheated on her with another woman. While she has worked on her anger and grief, she doesn’t quite trust that Thomas, who she says is fine man, will not eventually leave her.
Thomas had to go to Chicago on a business trip. He told her he would be in his hotel no later than 10 and would call her no later than 10:30. Cheri waited by the phone like a teenager waiting for her first crush to call. Ten thirty came—no call, ten thirty-five—still no call. Cheri has had a good deal of therapy so she didn’t regress until 10:40.

“I wanted to know where he was. I bounced between anger, rage, and fear like a tennis ball. I started thinking something bad had happened to him; perhaps a car accident or the plane went down. I couldn’t stop the terrible pictures that flashed through my mind as I waited for him to call. I saw him lying helpless or maybe dead in some ditch somewhere or in an emergency room. I was panicking. Then all of a sudden I pictured him with his secretary who went with him to that meeting and I thought that son-of-a-*&%# better be dead in a ditch because if I catch him with his secretary, I am going to kill him!” she was crying and laughing at the same time as she told me this story.

Question: Do remember the last big, dramatic story you made up about a person or a situation and released a little or lot of anger and rage only to find out you weren't even close?

In Lesson 44 we will look at "Child Time" as a sign of regression and rage.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Story Time Part 2 as Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 42

When we regress we almost always create worst case stories. Interestingly, Story Time is a regressed attempt to self soothe, but this attempt backfires and the end result is more anxiety—not less—and deeper regression. These fictitious stories from the regressed mind are a way to calm our fears. Ironically, it is these same stories that increase fear, anger, rage and regression because they are appearing in living color from that part of the brain that is illogical and irrational. These semi-paranoid parables can get quite extreme ranging from the temporary belief that someone is plotting to get you to conspiring to control or even perhaps annihilate you.


Question: What worse case story do you tell yourself way too often?

In Lesson 43 We will continue or look at "story time" as a sign of regression.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Signs of Regression, Anger & Rage--Lesson 41

Remember different things regress people differently but there are a few almost universal signs and signals that we are heading into our past histories. These signals are for both the one triggering the regression and the one who is feeling regressed.

STORY TIME
Here’s an example: James is a boss, who is experiencing his own regression. His company is in the red, business is off by 40%. On Friday afternoon, he says to his employee, Alex, “I want to see you in my office first thing Monday morning.” What does Alex do? If statements like James' triggers an emotional memory like the one Alex has of his mother saying something like, “Wait until your father gets home”, or “The principal is out today but he will deal with you Wednesday,” Alex will begin Story Time.

All weekend long he will make up stories about what his boss wants to talk about. Perhaps it was the fax paper he took home? No, wait. It was the personal charges made on the corporate card, or maybe worse—termination. With each worst case story, Alex gets angrier and angrier and then finally settles into rage. No one in the history of employment has ever made up the story, “Hey, I bet he wants to talk about that raise I so readily deserve.” When Alex exhausts all possible stories and gets to James' office he is exhausted and feeling about five inches tall.

Question: What story or stories do you tell yourself when your spouse doesn't call like they said they would or your children stay out later than they are allowed?

In Tomorrow's Lesson 42 we will continue with part II of Story Time and Regression and Rage.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Being Sick or ill and Regression and Rage--Lesson 40

Minor or major illness will turn a grown man or woman into a big baby who wants to curl up, be fed and read to. Don’t get me wrong, there’s not a thing wrong with this. It’s just that when illness strikes; maturity, rationality, reason, sound judgment and decisions go right out the door of the sick room. Instead of requesting nurturing and comfort, we actually go into work anyway or refuse to go see the doctor. We want to deny our condition or have someone come take care of us but we don’t ask but we will often rage until someone comes to our cribs.
When people are sick, they kick into survival mode thinking, behaving, speaking and listening. Now put them all together and you end up with inappropriate behavior.

Question: Have you ever been sick and find you are short tempered, unreasonable and maybe even raging a little?

In Lesson 41 We will see the signs that regression and rage may be headed our way.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Pressure as a Regressor and Rage Producer--Lesson 39

PRESSURE
Pressure to perform, pressure to please, pressure to achieve; pressure to be or not to be. While that may be the perennial question the answer is pressure regresses. Remove the pressure and you no longer feel like you are an awkward adolescent or a stumbling toddler who can barely walk—let alone speak coherent, intelligent sentences.

Pressure leaves adults exhausted. Pressure makes us forget to eat or rest as we wrestle with real or imaginary deadlines. Enough pressure exerted long enough on coal turns it into a diamond. Too much pressure on people turns them into regressed, raging lumps of coal too tired or exhausted to move.

Question: Have you felt small or little and then let out the anger and rage when pressured?

In Lesson 40 we will see how illness makes us all too small to reach the medicine cabinet.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.