Emotional Intelligence, Boundaries and Anger

The emotionally intelligent adult can easily set boundaries and limits that can be pulled in, extended or shifted based on choice, new information, or more experience; depending on the individual situations and people. Our boundaries and limits are clear to us and to those we live with, love, or work with. Good boundaries and limits help protect us without isolating or pushing people away. They keep us at a safe distance so that we don’t have to accept anyone’s rage, shaming, or abusive words, actions or demeaning behaviors.

There are now over 75 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

"Child Time" as a Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 44

A four year old says to their mom or dad, “When are we going to go see grandma?” The look of excitement and expectation turns into desperation when the parent replies, “In two weeks.” Two weeks is an eternity for children. You may recall how summers lasted forever and Christmas never came.

That four year old, forty years later goes to the doctor on Monday because of some condition that produces concern and anxiety. The doctor speeds in, checks them over and on his way out says, “We’ll have these tests back on Friday and try not to worry.” Monday to Friday feels how long? Like an eternity. It is almost exactly the same feeling that children have because the adult has regressed and is back in Child Time, which is full of worse case stories.

When men and women regress, time gets weird. Regression leads to time being compressed or expanded where time is more dreamlike. Minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days, days seem like months and months, well months can be decades. But the good news is once you know this to be a sign of regression you catch it and bring time back to its normal feel and thus reduce anxiety and fear.

Question: Do you remember the last time an hour seemed like a day, a day seemed like a week and you were anxious, small, little, angry, maybe even raging?

In Lesson 45 we will continue to explore the phenomenon of "child time".
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

The Best Kept Secret in Psychology + Anger--Lesson 22

Emotional regression is one of the best kept secrets in modern psychology. There is virtually nothing that is written on the subject or certainly very little that explains it and relates it to everyday life, especially as it impacts anger and rage. There are many ways to define emotional regression and we are very familiar with the following ones because either you’ve employed them recently or someone has said them to you:

“I wish you’d grow up.”
“You’re acting like a big baby."

Perhaps less common—but still a good way to define regression—is an unconscious return to our past history. When we regress we are hurled into our past faster than lightening.

Question: Have you ever found yourself feeling "little" or "small" when your boss calls you into his/her office or when you go home for the holidays?

In Lesson 23 you will discover more information about this well-guarded secret--Emotional Regression.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

What Appropriate Anger Can Do for You--Lesson 5

Anger is a feeling; an emotion that is neither positive nor negative although most clinicians, therapists, and authors have labeled it as the latter. Anger is no more destructive than sadness or loneliness. Fear is far more often destructive than anger.
Many of the practicing mental health professionals today believe that anger is simply a cover; like out of control ivy in a well manicured yard. They contend that underneath anger is the real issue that lurks and hurts people: fear.
Essentially said the message is, “You are not angry. You are afraid,” or “Your anger is merely covering up your sadness or disappointment.” This point of view is couched under the heading of “you are not feeling what you say you are feeling, let’s get to the real emotions underneath your anger.”
This traditional approach defines primary emotions as sadness, loneliness, fear, joy, love, etc. Anger, they say, is a secondary emotion.
However, my experience has shown that anger is a primal feeling that anyone with a pulse experiences weekly, if not daily. It is an essential emotion: You can’t and shouldn’t avoid anger.

Rosa Parks’ anger in 1955 is what contributed to her and a whole race of people from being stuck at the back of the bus. Anger is what got our country out of Vietnam.
Anger can move a person out of abusive relationships. If you stay in a stuck place for too long without expressing anger, then you’ll feel sadness. While sadness and anger are two primary emotions that go hand in hand they are not the same feeling and cannot therefore be used interchangeably. The women’s movement was fueled by an anger that was overdue. The outcome forever changed the world we live for the better. Can you imagine someone saying this to Gloria Steinem or Rosa Parks or the Vietnam vets for that matter: “You’re not really angry, you’re just scared.”?

Question: Were you able sometime in life to use appropriate anger to get you out of a stuck job, relationship, marriage, town?

In Lesson 6 We will explore what I have termed, "soft rage." You will be suprised.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.