Staying True To Ourselves Decreases Anger

Good boundaries and limits actually increase intimacy, clarity, communication, and vulnerability because you can say “no” when you need to. You can also say “yes” when you want to. You know where you stand and let others know more about you. It enhances other people’s feelings of safety and trust because they can rely on you when you say: “no more,” “enough,” “stop,” or, “its okay, you can come closer. When we don’t compromise our boundaries and limits no matter what someone may think and stay true to ourselves, everyone involved wins in the long run of any relationship but if we don’t we can end up becoming very Codependent which seriously undermines any attempt or effort we make to become more emotionally intelligent people.

What Appropriate Anger Can Do for You--Lesson 5

Anger is a feeling; an emotion that is neither positive nor negative although most clinicians, therapists, and authors have labeled it as the latter. Anger is no more destructive than sadness or loneliness. Fear is far more often destructive than anger.
Many of the practicing mental health professionals today believe that anger is simply a cover; like out of control ivy in a well manicured yard. They contend that underneath anger is the real issue that lurks and hurts people: fear.
Essentially said the message is, “You are not angry. You are afraid,” or “Your anger is merely covering up your sadness or disappointment.” This point of view is couched under the heading of “you are not feeling what you say you are feeling, let’s get to the real emotions underneath your anger.”
This traditional approach defines primary emotions as sadness, loneliness, fear, joy, love, etc. Anger, they say, is a secondary emotion.
However, my experience has shown that anger is a primal feeling that anyone with a pulse experiences weekly, if not daily. It is an essential emotion: You can’t and shouldn’t avoid anger.

Rosa Parks’ anger in 1955 is what contributed to her and a whole race of people from being stuck at the back of the bus. Anger is what got our country out of Vietnam.
Anger can move a person out of abusive relationships. If you stay in a stuck place for too long without expressing anger, then you’ll feel sadness. While sadness and anger are two primary emotions that go hand in hand they are not the same feeling and cannot therefore be used interchangeably. The women’s movement was fueled by an anger that was overdue. The outcome forever changed the world we live for the better. Can you imagine someone saying this to Gloria Steinem or Rosa Parks or the Vietnam vets for that matter: “You’re not really angry, you’re just scared.”?

Question: Were you able sometime in life to use appropriate anger to get you out of a stuck job, relationship, marriage, town?

In Lesson 6 We will explore what I have termed, "soft rage." You will be suprised.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

How To Tell The Differences--Lesson 3

In this Lesson we focus on telling the differences between healthy, appropriate anger from dysfunctional and inappropriate rage.

Anger is a feeling. Rage is a reaction.
Anger is a primary emotion. Rage stuffs or masks emotions.
Anger is neither positive or negative. Rage is always negative and inappropriate.
Anger that is expressed appropriately equals energy. Rage is exhausting to all parties.
Anger is meant to be given away, while rage is meant to be given up.
Appropriate anger doesn’t hurt anyone. Rage hurts everyone involved.
Anger clears the air and rage clouds communication.

Anger rights injustices and wrongs. Rage is an injustice and wrongs people further.
Anger expressed appropriately increases energy, intimacy & peace of mind. Rage decreases energy in people, increases the distance between them and causes discord.

Anger is contained and controlled until proper time, place & person.
Rage is pervasive, out of control and misdirected
Anger is about the present. Rage is about the past.
Anger is about “Me” and rage is about “You”.

Question: After reading the ways in which anger differs from rage would you say you or someone you care about, work with or work for is "angry" or "raging"?

In Lesson 4 of The Anger Solution blog we will look at reasons why most people try to avoid anger whenever possible.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.