A close cousin to judging is being analyzed by someone other than a therapist who is being paid for their services can be very annoying.
Picture this: The impudent husband looks at his wife with a cold, clinical stare. She feels the heat seeking missile of his gaze into her psyche and finally she says, “Are you angry with me?”
The husband strokes his wannabe Freudian chin, “Angry? No, I’m not angry. You know I haven’t had a real feeling since the Nixon administration. No, what I’m trying to do is figure you out, make some sense of your behavior and come to an understanding of why you think and behave the way you do. After meeting your mother and father I know where some of your behavior is coming from…”
“What were you thinking?” The irate father says to the son who put a dent in the SUV. “What is wrong with you?” “Let’s sit down and start from the beginning so we can see how you came to be so…”
These analytical phrases imply that the speaker is the “doctor” and the listener is the “patient.”
Question: Have you ever played Lay Psychologist with friends or family?
In Lesson 15 I will provide a list of other questionable techniques some people use when trying to express anger.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Showing posts with label John Lee. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John Lee. Show all posts
Monday, August 16, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
More Examples of "Soft" Rage--Lesson 9
CRITICIZING
Classic criticizing statements:
• “I’m just telling you for your own good…”
• “I say this because I love you…”
• “With all due respect…”
• “No disrespect intended…”
• “I hope you won’t take offense, but…”
The above statements are warning shots fired over the bow to let the listener know that what’s coming next isn’t going to feel good at best and ruin your day or perhaps the entire decade.
Men and women have been using criticism to control, manipulate, coerce, get even or just plain attack since the first Homo Erectus uttered the words, “You’re not really going Tyrannosaurus Rex hunting dressed like that, are you?”
We’ve all been criticized so many times without soliciting it that it may be difficult for many of us to see it as an action or behavior that qualifies as rage. And yet I’ve had dozens of men, women, adolescents, and employees in my office saying they have had it with the critic in the family or workplace that can never be satisfied and finds something wrong in everything they say or do. I’m talking about unsolicited critiques and comments that many, even thick-skinned people are left feeling like a knife has sliced through their spirit.
The wife who says to her husband, “Do you like this dress?” is one thing—the husband who says, “I hate that dress you’re wearing,” has probably been gunny-sacking anger about something and has now crossed the line into rage.
Question: Has anyone ever said to you or have you said to someone, "All you do is criticize?"
In Lesson 10 "Preaching and Teaching" will be shown as possible raging techniques.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Classic criticizing statements:
• “I’m just telling you for your own good…”
• “I say this because I love you…”
• “With all due respect…”
• “No disrespect intended…”
• “I hope you won’t take offense, but…”
The above statements are warning shots fired over the bow to let the listener know that what’s coming next isn’t going to feel good at best and ruin your day or perhaps the entire decade.
Men and women have been using criticism to control, manipulate, coerce, get even or just plain attack since the first Homo Erectus uttered the words, “You’re not really going Tyrannosaurus Rex hunting dressed like that, are you?”
We’ve all been criticized so many times without soliciting it that it may be difficult for many of us to see it as an action or behavior that qualifies as rage. And yet I’ve had dozens of men, women, adolescents, and employees in my office saying they have had it with the critic in the family or workplace that can never be satisfied and finds something wrong in everything they say or do. I’m talking about unsolicited critiques and comments that many, even thick-skinned people are left feeling like a knife has sliced through their spirit.
The wife who says to her husband, “Do you like this dress?” is one thing—the husband who says, “I hate that dress you’re wearing,” has probably been gunny-sacking anger about something and has now crossed the line into rage.
Question: Has anyone ever said to you or have you said to someone, "All you do is criticize?"
In Lesson 10 "Preaching and Teaching" will be shown as possible raging techniques.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Blaming is Soft Rage--Lesson 8
Disdain is one of the most destructive of all raging statements. The one who disdains the person they are speaking to is regarding that person as worthless and for the moment, hour, or month as being unworthy of care or regard and holds them in contempt because they are beneath the one who spews disdain.
“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.
BLAMING
Blame is thrown around fast and furiously. Like a hard metal disc thrown with accuracy and precision, blame can take the head off a loved one. “If you had only gotten into therapy when I first asked you to we wouldn’t be in this mess we’re in now,” said the wife to husband. Susan told her husband Sam during a workshop, “We can’t afford a cabin in the woods, but you wouldn’t listen. Now we may have to sell our real home and live with bears and bugs.”
We blame our parents instead of holding them accountable. We blame our accountants for not being responsible. We even shame and blame ourselves for not going into counseling or not hiring the right accountants in the first place. Blaming someone else for our mistakes, failures, and general discontent is a way to abdicate responsibility for our lives and keeps us from feeling sad, angry or hurt. Blaming is an action that points the finger at another and is accusatory by nature.
Question: Do you or someone you know tend towards "blaming" when trying to express anger?
In Lesson 9 we will focus on the other examples of Soft Rage.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Monday, August 9, 2010
5 Things People do that are soft rage--Lesson 7
Rage is a shape-shifter.
1. Shaming
2. Blaming
3. Criticizing
4. Preaching
5. Judging
Shaming
Shaming is one of the most commonly used forms of rage. Shame comes from the Anglo-Saxon word “screamer” meaning “to cover.” Many people have been covered in shame since childhood: “You are a disgrace to your family,” said Bill to his gay son, Roger, during a counseling session. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” says the wife of the alcoholic husband. “It is my job to put you to shame,” says the fundamentalist preacher. “I can’t believe someone as intelligent and well-read and educated as you can’t figure it out…” said Tom’s father to him regarding his failed relationship.
Shame is a psychological slap in the face to children and adults that is neither subtle nor soft.
Demeaning statements are another form shame takes and is made every few minutes when people are angry, but can’t feel or express their anger. Instead words are selected to degrade and lower self esteem. The father who is good with his hands says to the gangly, awkward twelve year old, “No matter how many times I show you how to do this, you’re never going to get it.” “What’s wrong with you? Math is easy,” says the demeaning math instructor who was most assuredly demeaned by her math instructor and walks out of the room with a load of shame.
“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.
Question: Do you or someone you know tend to "shame" people when trying to express anger?
In Lesson 8 we will examine the other 4 things in the list above. I hope it will help.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
1. Shaming
2. Blaming
3. Criticizing
4. Preaching
5. Judging
Shaming
Shaming is one of the most commonly used forms of rage. Shame comes from the Anglo-Saxon word “screamer” meaning “to cover.” Many people have been covered in shame since childhood: “You are a disgrace to your family,” said Bill to his gay son, Roger, during a counseling session. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” says the wife of the alcoholic husband. “It is my job to put you to shame,” says the fundamentalist preacher. “I can’t believe someone as intelligent and well-read and educated as you can’t figure it out…” said Tom’s father to him regarding his failed relationship.
Shame is a psychological slap in the face to children and adults that is neither subtle nor soft.
Demeaning statements are another form shame takes and is made every few minutes when people are angry, but can’t feel or express their anger. Instead words are selected to degrade and lower self esteem. The father who is good with his hands says to the gangly, awkward twelve year old, “No matter how many times I show you how to do this, you’re never going to get it.” “What’s wrong with you? Math is easy,” says the demeaning math instructor who was most assuredly demeaned by her math instructor and walks out of the room with a load of shame.
“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.
Question: Do you or someone you know tend to "shame" people when trying to express anger?
In Lesson 8 we will examine the other 4 things in the list above. I hope it will help.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Soft Rage--Lesson 6 From Anger Solution
WORDS USED BY THE "Soft" RAGING PERSON:
•You always _______
•You never ________
•Why can’t you just _______
•If only you __________
•It’s all your fault
•Shame on you
•You’re lying
•When are you going to ________
SOFT RAGE
We’re not talking about road rage or domestic violence. This isn’t putting your fist through a plate glass window either. No, the kind of rage is being discussed is what I call “Soft Rage.” Soft Rage is the kind of rage that has been called anger and that most people have seen, received or perpetrated all of their lives. It is usually not intentional or malicious. It is the rage that is done more out of habit than to really harm. The forms of rage that will be discussed are complicated and I am going to make it as simple as possible. What you will see however is there is nothing “soft” about any of these.
Given so few people have ever seen or heard anger expressed appropriately, they go with what they have seen and heard a million times since childhood. Because rage is the norm, men and women have unintentionally cast themselves as both victims and perpetrators.
HOW TO IDENTIFY “SOFT RAGE”
Is your tone…?
•Patronizing
•Condescending
•“Holier Than Thou”
•Rude
•Sarcastic
Question: After reading this blog post do you recognize anyone at all?
In Lesson 7 We will further explore the concept of "soft rage" and in the process will learn more about "appropriate" anger which is one of the goals of this blog.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
•You always _______
•You never ________
•Why can’t you just _______
•If only you __________
•It’s all your fault
•Shame on you
•You’re lying
•When are you going to ________
SOFT RAGE
We’re not talking about road rage or domestic violence. This isn’t putting your fist through a plate glass window either. No, the kind of rage is being discussed is what I call “Soft Rage.” Soft Rage is the kind of rage that has been called anger and that most people have seen, received or perpetrated all of their lives. It is usually not intentional or malicious. It is the rage that is done more out of habit than to really harm. The forms of rage that will be discussed are complicated and I am going to make it as simple as possible. What you will see however is there is nothing “soft” about any of these.
Given so few people have ever seen or heard anger expressed appropriately, they go with what they have seen and heard a million times since childhood. Because rage is the norm, men and women have unintentionally cast themselves as both victims and perpetrators.
HOW TO IDENTIFY “SOFT RAGE”
Is your tone…?
•Patronizing
•Condescending
•“Holier Than Thou”
•Rude
•Sarcastic
Question: After reading this blog post do you recognize anyone at all?
In Lesson 7 We will further explore the concept of "soft rage" and in the process will learn more about "appropriate" anger which is one of the goals of this blog.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
What Appropriate Anger Can Do for You--Lesson 5
Anger is a feeling; an emotion that is neither positive nor negative although most clinicians, therapists, and authors have labeled it as the latter. Anger is no more destructive than sadness or loneliness. Fear is far more often destructive than anger.
Many of the practicing mental health professionals today believe that anger is simply a cover; like out of control ivy in a well manicured yard. They contend that underneath anger is the real issue that lurks and hurts people: fear.
Essentially said the message is, “You are not angry. You are afraid,” or “Your anger is merely covering up your sadness or disappointment.” This point of view is couched under the heading of “you are not feeling what you say you are feeling, let’s get to the real emotions underneath your anger.”
This traditional approach defines primary emotions as sadness, loneliness, fear, joy, love, etc. Anger, they say, is a secondary emotion.
However, my experience has shown that anger is a primal feeling that anyone with a pulse experiences weekly, if not daily. It is an essential emotion: You can’t and shouldn’t avoid anger.
Rosa Parks’ anger in 1955 is what contributed to her and a whole race of people from being stuck at the back of the bus. Anger is what got our country out of Vietnam.
Anger can move a person out of abusive relationships. If you stay in a stuck place for too long without expressing anger, then you’ll feel sadness. While sadness and anger are two primary emotions that go hand in hand they are not the same feeling and cannot therefore be used interchangeably. The women’s movement was fueled by an anger that was overdue. The outcome forever changed the world we live for the better. Can you imagine someone saying this to Gloria Steinem or Rosa Parks or the Vietnam vets for that matter: “You’re not really angry, you’re just scared.”?
Question: Were you able sometime in life to use appropriate anger to get you out of a stuck job, relationship, marriage, town?
In Lesson 6 We will explore what I have termed, "soft rage." You will be suprised.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Many of the practicing mental health professionals today believe that anger is simply a cover; like out of control ivy in a well manicured yard. They contend that underneath anger is the real issue that lurks and hurts people: fear.
Essentially said the message is, “You are not angry. You are afraid,” or “Your anger is merely covering up your sadness or disappointment.” This point of view is couched under the heading of “you are not feeling what you say you are feeling, let’s get to the real emotions underneath your anger.”
This traditional approach defines primary emotions as sadness, loneliness, fear, joy, love, etc. Anger, they say, is a secondary emotion.
However, my experience has shown that anger is a primal feeling that anyone with a pulse experiences weekly, if not daily. It is an essential emotion: You can’t and shouldn’t avoid anger.
Rosa Parks’ anger in 1955 is what contributed to her and a whole race of people from being stuck at the back of the bus. Anger is what got our country out of Vietnam.
Anger can move a person out of abusive relationships. If you stay in a stuck place for too long without expressing anger, then you’ll feel sadness. While sadness and anger are two primary emotions that go hand in hand they are not the same feeling and cannot therefore be used interchangeably. The women’s movement was fueled by an anger that was overdue. The outcome forever changed the world we live for the better. Can you imagine someone saying this to Gloria Steinem or Rosa Parks or the Vietnam vets for that matter: “You’re not really angry, you’re just scared.”?
Question: Were you able sometime in life to use appropriate anger to get you out of a stuck job, relationship, marriage, town?
In Lesson 6 We will explore what I have termed, "soft rage." You will be suprised.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
How To Tell The Differences--Lesson 3
In this Lesson we focus on telling the differences between healthy, appropriate anger from dysfunctional and inappropriate rage.
Anger is a feeling. Rage is a reaction.
Anger is a primary emotion. Rage stuffs or masks emotions.
Anger is neither positive or negative. Rage is always negative and inappropriate.
Anger that is expressed appropriately equals energy. Rage is exhausting to all parties.
Anger is meant to be given away, while rage is meant to be given up.
Appropriate anger doesn’t hurt anyone. Rage hurts everyone involved.
Anger clears the air and rage clouds communication.
Anger rights injustices and wrongs. Rage is an injustice and wrongs people further.
Anger expressed appropriately increases energy, intimacy & peace of mind. Rage decreases energy in people, increases the distance between them and causes discord.
Anger is contained and controlled until proper time, place & person.
Rage is pervasive, out of control and misdirected
Anger is about the present. Rage is about the past.
Anger is about “Me” and rage is about “You”.
Question: After reading the ways in which anger differs from rage would you say you or someone you care about, work with or work for is "angry" or "raging"?
In Lesson 4 of The Anger Solution blog we will look at reasons why most people try to avoid anger whenever possible.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Anger is a feeling. Rage is a reaction.
Anger is a primary emotion. Rage stuffs or masks emotions.
Anger is neither positive or negative. Rage is always negative and inappropriate.
Anger that is expressed appropriately equals energy. Rage is exhausting to all parties.
Anger is meant to be given away, while rage is meant to be given up.
Appropriate anger doesn’t hurt anyone. Rage hurts everyone involved.
Anger clears the air and rage clouds communication.
Anger rights injustices and wrongs. Rage is an injustice and wrongs people further.
Anger expressed appropriately increases energy, intimacy & peace of mind. Rage decreases energy in people, increases the distance between them and causes discord.
Anger is contained and controlled until proper time, place & person.
Rage is pervasive, out of control and misdirected
Anger is about the present. Rage is about the past.
Anger is about “Me” and rage is about “You”.
Question: After reading the ways in which anger differs from rage would you say you or someone you care about, work with or work for is "angry" or "raging"?
In Lesson 4 of The Anger Solution blog we will look at reasons why most people try to avoid anger whenever possible.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Why Anger Takes So Long--Lesson 2
The real reason anger takes so long to talk out is very often due to the fact that it is not anger at all that we are finally ready express. Rage is as different from anger as night is from day. Anger is a feeling and emotion. Rage has the ability to cover other feelings, but it is not a feeling or emotion in itself but an action or behavior used to disconnect us from any and all emotions. Rage is a behavior or action that numbs peoples’ feelings.
Rage is a reaction to what your boss has said to you every morning for the last year. What you’ve stuffed and bottled-up all this time, suddenly comes gushing out like a geyser. Likewise, rage occurs because the checkbook has gone unbalanced for two years; seemingly warranting a deafening silence to correct or punish your spouse’s behavior.
Anger lives in the present and so takes minutes to be felt and expressed. Rage sticks around because it is grounded in the past.
Rage lives in the past and takes a very long time because it is grounded in our personal life history. Sandy’s now ex-boyfriend was chronically late; Sandy’s response was, “I’m tired of you always putting everything before me. Didn’t your mother teach you it is rude to keep people waiting? I got here on time. I can’t see why you can’t!”…and she was just getting warmed up. Clearly, there was more than anger going on.
Rage is what constitutes most marathon arguments.
Question: The last time you or someone you cared about tried to express their "anger" was it about only what was said or done in the present or was it more about the past?
In Lesson 3 of The Anger Solution the post will contain ways to distinguish anger from rage.
Rage is a reaction to what your boss has said to you every morning for the last year. What you’ve stuffed and bottled-up all this time, suddenly comes gushing out like a geyser. Likewise, rage occurs because the checkbook has gone unbalanced for two years; seemingly warranting a deafening silence to correct or punish your spouse’s behavior.
Anger lives in the present and so takes minutes to be felt and expressed. Rage sticks around because it is grounded in the past.
Rage lives in the past and takes a very long time because it is grounded in our personal life history. Sandy’s now ex-boyfriend was chronically late; Sandy’s response was, “I’m tired of you always putting everything before me. Didn’t your mother teach you it is rude to keep people waiting? I got here on time. I can’t see why you can’t!”…and she was just getting warmed up. Clearly, there was more than anger going on.
Rage is what constitutes most marathon arguments.
Question: The last time you or someone you cared about tried to express their "anger" was it about only what was said or done in the present or was it more about the past?
In Lesson 3 of The Anger Solution the post will contain ways to distinguish anger from rage.
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