"Are you angry with me."
"No. I'm just trying to figure you out. I want to understand why you did what you did, said what you said and didn't do what I told you to do."
Most people hate to be "analyzed" when they are not asking for it or paying for it. It is a form of disrespectful soft rage. It suggests that the person who is doing the analyzing is superior to the one getting a free Freudian session.
Have you been angry with someone but didn't want to feel it or express it and you employed some of the behaviors I have mentioned in this blog the last few days? Most of us have.
There are over 50 other lessons on anger and anger management in this blog. I hope they help.
Showing posts with label analyze. Show all posts
Showing posts with label analyze. Show all posts
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Intimidation as a Form of Soft Rage--Lesson 17
The Intimidator is the second style of soft rage. This is the man or woman who rages by getting big and loud and filling up the entire room with their gigantic roar. This is done to demean and demoralize those around them and make them feel small and silent.
The Intimidator curses loudly and throws objects off tables or desks. They often employ preaching, sarcasm and put-downs.
Sometimes intimidators fill up the room with silence so thick you can cut it with a knife. Everyone around them is whispering and walking on eggshells hoping the intimidator won’t “snap”. Intimidators believe might makes right and they’re always going to have the last word.
"Question: Do you or someone you know tend to employ this style?
In Lesson 18 we will look at the style almost no one wants to admit but many, including myself, will use when nothing else works.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
The Intimidator curses loudly and throws objects off tables or desks. They often employ preaching, sarcasm and put-downs.
Sometimes intimidators fill up the room with silence so thick you can cut it with a knife. Everyone around them is whispering and walking on eggshells hoping the intimidator won’t “snap”. Intimidators believe might makes right and they’re always going to have the last word.
"Question: Do you or someone you know tend to employ this style?
In Lesson 18 we will look at the style almost no one wants to admit but many, including myself, will use when nothing else works.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A FEW MORE EXAMPLES OF SOFT RAGE--LESSON 15
MORE EXAMPLES OF SOFT RAGE:
• Sarcasm
• Put-Downs
• One-upsmanship
• Sabotage
• Jokes-(The kind of jokes where someone is the “butt” and they are not laughing even though everyone in the room may think it is funny. If it is a funny joke everyone laughs. If you have to add at the end of a joke that it is a “joke” then it probably isn’t.
• Manipulation
• Control
• Lies
• Gossip
All five of the above behaviors and actions are serious, so serious that I have tried to add a touch of levity here and there to hopefully reduce the pain of recognizing how many times they have been done to you and you have done them to the ones you love.
All five result in distance, disaster and very often divorce. All five must be eliminated from our conversations and confrontations.
I presented these five things to a group of social workers last week in a seminar on expressing anger appropriately. A man in his early forties raised his hand and with a slight whimsical tone asked, “If you take away these things what in the world am I going to say? I say this stuff almost every day.”
Question: Which of the above ways do you or someone you know tend to employ?
In Lesson 16 we will explore the 4 STYLES OF SOFT RAGE many people use when trying to express anger.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
• Sarcasm
• Put-Downs
• One-upsmanship
• Sabotage
• Jokes-(The kind of jokes where someone is the “butt” and they are not laughing even though everyone in the room may think it is funny. If it is a funny joke everyone laughs. If you have to add at the end of a joke that it is a “joke” then it probably isn’t.
• Manipulation
• Control
• Lies
• Gossip
All five of the above behaviors and actions are serious, so serious that I have tried to add a touch of levity here and there to hopefully reduce the pain of recognizing how many times they have been done to you and you have done them to the ones you love.
All five result in distance, disaster and very often divorce. All five must be eliminated from our conversations and confrontations.
I presented these five things to a group of social workers last week in a seminar on expressing anger appropriately. A man in his early forties raised his hand and with a slight whimsical tone asked, “If you take away these things what in the world am I going to say? I say this stuff almost every day.”
Question: Which of the above ways do you or someone you know tend to employ?
In Lesson 16 we will explore the 4 STYLES OF SOFT RAGE many people use when trying to express anger.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Monday, August 16, 2010
"Don't Analyze Me"-A Soft Form of Rage--Lesson 14
A close cousin to judging is being analyzed by someone other than a therapist who is being paid for their services can be very annoying.
Picture this: The impudent husband looks at his wife with a cold, clinical stare. She feels the heat seeking missile of his gaze into her psyche and finally she says, “Are you angry with me?”
The husband strokes his wannabe Freudian chin, “Angry? No, I’m not angry. You know I haven’t had a real feeling since the Nixon administration. No, what I’m trying to do is figure you out, make some sense of your behavior and come to an understanding of why you think and behave the way you do. After meeting your mother and father I know where some of your behavior is coming from…”
“What were you thinking?” The irate father says to the son who put a dent in the SUV. “What is wrong with you?” “Let’s sit down and start from the beginning so we can see how you came to be so…”
These analytical phrases imply that the speaker is the “doctor” and the listener is the “patient.”
Question: Have you ever played Lay Psychologist with friends or family?
In Lesson 15 I will provide a list of other questionable techniques some people use when trying to express anger.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Picture this: The impudent husband looks at his wife with a cold, clinical stare. She feels the heat seeking missile of his gaze into her psyche and finally she says, “Are you angry with me?”
The husband strokes his wannabe Freudian chin, “Angry? No, I’m not angry. You know I haven’t had a real feeling since the Nixon administration. No, what I’m trying to do is figure you out, make some sense of your behavior and come to an understanding of why you think and behave the way you do. After meeting your mother and father I know where some of your behavior is coming from…”
“What were you thinking?” The irate father says to the son who put a dent in the SUV. “What is wrong with you?” “Let’s sit down and start from the beginning so we can see how you came to be so…”
These analytical phrases imply that the speaker is the “doctor” and the listener is the “patient.”
Question: Have you ever played Lay Psychologist with friends or family?
In Lesson 15 I will provide a list of other questionable techniques some people use when trying to express anger.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)