How To Tell The Difference

HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANGER AND RAGE
There are a number of ways to tell the differences between rage and anger:

•Rage takes a long time to express—hours, days, weeks, months, years and lifetimes.
•Anger expressed appropriately takes minutes at the most.
•Rage is never resolved in a short conversation.
•Anger is done in a sentence or two, maybe even three or four.
•Rage consists of paragraphs, pages, volumes and epics.
•With rage there is no relief when expressed.
•Anger expressed relaxes us and sometimes even the other person because now they feel safer with us because they know how we feel.
•Rage always equals distance, disaster, and divorce.

Which do you do? There are now over 80 lessons on anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Beginning in Sept. 1-3 Day intensives will be available in Austin, Tx. as well as Mentone, AL.

The Differences Between Anger and Rage

Anger is a feeling. Rage is an action or behavior that numbs people's feelings as successfully as any drug or alcohol. Anger is about what is happening, not happening, being said or done or not said or done in the "here and now." Rage is about what has happened in the recent or distant past. Anger takes minutes or moments at the most to be expressed appropriately and rage takes forever and forever and is never appropriate.
More differences in tomorrow's blog. See the 51 lessons already posted on The Anger Solution blog.

Question: Do you tend to express anger or rage?

Exhaustion as a Pre-Condition for Regression and Anger: Lesson 36

PRE-CONDITIONS FOR REGRESSION
There are five physical, psychological and emotional states that if avoided will minimize the number of times and tendencies to regress, get small, or lose it. I often point out that these states are not only common but really a part of almost everyone’s personal and professional life. Many work places like Google spend time and energy reducing these preconditions and that is part of the reason they receive over four thousand applications per day.
1. EXHAUSTION
Mental or physical exhaustion greatly increases one’s time in the past. Extreme tiredness can make a grown man or woman yearn for their care-free college days or a perpetual extended beach vacation. Exhaustion can take us out of the pre-frontal, rational neo-cortex. It can send us to pre-verbal state of the reptilian brain and either curl up and take a long, winter’s nap.

Exhaustion makes us more susceptible to verbal, emotional or physical abuse from bosses, parents, our children or people in authority. It makes our skin paper thin and we tend to lose our ability to say things like, “No”, “No more”, “Enough”, or “Stop.”

When we’re tired we can’t think about the big picture. We exchange things that are good for us for short term, temporary fixes. We tend to settle for much less than we want or deserve in personal or professional situations and even relationships. We have a “short fuse”; we’re grouchy, irritable, impatient and impractical. We say and do things we may regret for years to come. We rage at the too slow lady in front of us at the store checkout line and swear at the DMV.

Question: Does exhaustion ever make you yearn for the comfort of a blanky and a bottle?

In Lesson 37 we will look at how being excessively hungry can trigger a regressive outburst of anger or rage.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Why Certain "Looks" or "Sounds" Can Trigger Regression and Rage--Lesson 33

CERTAIN LOOKS
Everyone has seen the “look of love”, but looks can exude less than happy vibes. The way someone looks at you can trigger a regression. The amygdala remembers only rough, raw details to keep us safe. A woman who looks at a man can be misinterpreted and misconstrued and illicit the phrase, “Why are you looking at me like that?” She might respond, “Like what?” And if he were not regressed he might say, “Like the look the father gave me when he wanted to punish me, or “A football coach in Jr. High”, or “my mother.” This part of the brain doesn’t remember the details as to whether the perceived threat, real or imagined, came from a man or woman.

CERTAIN SOUNDS
Randy almost disappears into thin air every time he hears a fire truck’s siren. “I can’t help it. That sound scares me to death. When I was seven our house burned to the ground and we barely got out alive. Now no matter where I am, if I hear the siren I go right back to that moment even though the fire was over fifty years ago.”
One afternoon in a couples session with Julie and Rachel, they shared with each other things that made each angry and frustrated. Suddenly Julie said to Rachel, “Why are taking that tone of voice with me?” Ultimately, we discovered it was a similar tone her ex-husband would take many times during their marriage.

Question: Have you ever been triggered just by the way someone was looking at you?

In Lesson 34 We will explore "Body Language" and how it communicates volumes.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

"Too Little" Can Be A Regressor That Leads To Rage: Lesson 32

The other very popular regression producer is “too little.” Again the phrase “too little, too late” comes to mind. All the things that regress people when they are given in excess can just easily regress others if they aren’t given enough of it. The lack or small amount of anything like food, touch or attention propels them into that small, little feeling.

Too little tenderness, sex, rest, solitude, or companionship can transfer a person right back to their past. Our bodies, minds, and psyche need order and balance to function properly. This deprivation keeps you regressed until you balance things out.

Think back to the children’s story of The Three Bears and Goldie Locks. This is a remedial way of teaching about regression and how children and grownups must find out what is “Just Right” for them. The job that is too big can repel us out of the present. A job that does not stimulate us is too little. A visit with one’s parents that is too long leaves us wanting a blanky and a bottle. Visits that are too infrequent and too short leave us longing and lying down in a short bed of regression.

Question: If you get "too little" of what can make you feel small or little?

In Lesson 33 we will explore some non-verbal triggers.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Other Potential Regressors that Can Lead To Rage--Lesson 31

TOO MUCH

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Too much of a good thing.” For many “too much” is one of the triggers of emotional regression. Too much of nearly anything is fertile ground for the seeds of regression to burst into full bloom. For example: too much alcohol, drugs or chemicals turn full grown adults into raging, fighting teenagers or children who take their toys and go home.

Too much money can make one regress. Before you balk at that statement, think of the history and statistics of lottery winners. Fifty percent of those winners are in worse financial shape two years after winning than they were prior to holding the magic numbers. But even if you aren’t cursed with the problem of excess money, you have probably experienced too much talking or stimulation or food. When you get out of balance and overindulge in anything, you will pay the price—regression.

Too much criticism, blaming, preaching or teaching can turn an adult into a raging tantrum-throwing child. You have people at work or home that will feel overwhelmed, resentful and enraged when you give them too much attention or information.

Question: Can you identify what is "too much" of something that triggers an outburst of anger or rage?


In Lesson 32 we will examine "Too Little" and how it can trigger regression.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Present Person People Erasing with Regression--Lesson 29

"You’re just like my first husband or “You are all alike,” “All women lie,” “All men cheat,” “You’re just like the other therapist.” These phrases suggest present person people erasing; meaning that they replace the human being in front of them with someone from their past and then they rage.

When someone’s past is triggered they tend to vent with the one who triggered the emotional memory. Or they tend to go to the least objectionable person possible.

When Jackie’s husband left her she said, “The first thing I did was call my mother, that’s how regressed I was. My mother didn’t finish calling him names before saying, ‘I told you when I met Jimmy that he wasn’t any good for you and that you could have done much better. Maybe you’ll listen to your mother next time.’ I felt about two years old. When she got through berating my husband, who by the way came back and we eventually worked everything out, I was looking for a womb to crawl into and more enraged with her than when I was with him.”

Question:When was the last time you got triggered and regressed and raged?

In Lesson 30 you will be given an exercise to see what things trigger you the most.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Emotional Regression: A "Present People Eraser"--Lesson 28

Another powerful way to think about emotional regression is that it is a present person people eraser. When Adrian and his wife Sandra argue, “She throws things; her purse, pillows, nothing hard and she doesn’t throw them at me, but it’s like I see my father who did throw things at me when he was mad. He hurt me several times. I got a black eye once. I turn this five feet two inch, ninety pound wife who wouldn’t hurt a fly into a six foot, two hundred pound dad from forty some years ago,” he said during a session about his fears of anger and rage. Adrian’s regression caused Sandra to disappear, and his father to come back out of the past.

Question: Have you ever made someone disappear during extreme anger or rage or have you ever said to someone, "You don't see me or "I'm not your mother or father or ex?

In Lesson 29 I will provide further examples of how we transform a present person into a past person.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

"Don't Analyze Me"-A Soft Form of Rage--Lesson 14

A close cousin to judging is being analyzed by someone other than a therapist who is being paid for their services can be very annoying.

Picture this: The impudent husband looks at his wife with a cold, clinical stare. She feels the heat seeking missile of his gaze into her psyche and finally she says, “Are you angry with me?”
The husband strokes his wannabe Freudian chin, “Angry? No, I’m not angry. You know I haven’t had a real feeling since the Nixon administration. No, what I’m trying to do is figure you out, make some sense of your behavior and come to an understanding of why you think and behave the way you do. After meeting your mother and father I know where some of your behavior is coming from…”

“What were you thinking?” The irate father says to the son who put a dent in the SUV. “What is wrong with you?” “Let’s sit down and start from the beginning so we can see how you came to be so…”

These analytical phrases imply that the speaker is the “doctor” and the listener is the “patient.”

Question: Have you ever played Lay Psychologist with friends or family?

In Lesson 15 I will provide a list of other questionable techniques some people use when trying to express anger.



For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Soft Rage--Lesson 6 From Anger Solution

WORDS USED BY THE "Soft" RAGING PERSON:
•You always _______
•You never ________
•Why can’t you just _______
•If only you __________
•It’s all your fault
•Shame on you
•You’re lying
•When are you going to ________

SOFT RAGE
We’re not talking about road rage or domestic violence. This isn’t putting your fist through a plate glass window either. No, the kind of rage is being discussed is what I call “Soft Rage.” Soft Rage is the kind of rage that has been called anger and that most people have seen, received or perpetrated all of their lives. It is usually not intentional or malicious. It is the rage that is done more out of habit than to really harm. The forms of rage that will be discussed are complicated and I am going to make it as simple as possible. What you will see however is there is nothing “soft” about any of these.
Given so few people have ever seen or heard anger expressed appropriately, they go with what they have seen and heard a million times since childhood. Because rage is the norm, men and women have unintentionally cast themselves as both victims and perpetrators.

HOW TO IDENTIFY “SOFT RAGE”
Is your tone…?
•Patronizing
•Condescending
•“Holier Than Thou”
•Rude
•Sarcastic

Question: After reading this blog post do you recognize anyone at all?

In Lesson 7 We will further explore the concept of "soft rage" and in the process will learn more about "appropriate" anger which is one of the goals of this blog.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.