"I can't believe you would do such a thing," which is rage code for "shame on you." Blaming--"If you had gotten into therapy when I first asked you to we wouldn't be in this mess." Shaming and blaming statements are two of the behaviors that "soft rage" can take but really there is nothing "soft" about them.
Who used "shame on you" on you? When did you blame someone for your feelings?
In this blog there are 51 lessons on anger and anger management. Thanks for your support. In tomorrow's blog post I will present two more methods people tend to employ when they "think" they are telling someone how they feel. Be well.
Showing posts with label blaming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blaming. Show all posts
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Blaming is Soft Rage--Lesson 8
Disdain is one of the most destructive of all raging statements. The one who disdains the person they are speaking to is regarding that person as worthless and for the moment, hour, or month as being unworthy of care or regard and holds them in contempt because they are beneath the one who spews disdain.
“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.
BLAMING
Blame is thrown around fast and furiously. Like a hard metal disc thrown with accuracy and precision, blame can take the head off a loved one. “If you had only gotten into therapy when I first asked you to we wouldn’t be in this mess we’re in now,” said the wife to husband. Susan told her husband Sam during a workshop, “We can’t afford a cabin in the woods, but you wouldn’t listen. Now we may have to sell our real home and live with bears and bugs.”
We blame our parents instead of holding them accountable. We blame our accountants for not being responsible. We even shame and blame ourselves for not going into counseling or not hiring the right accountants in the first place. Blaming someone else for our mistakes, failures, and general discontent is a way to abdicate responsibility for our lives and keeps us from feeling sad, angry or hurt. Blaming is an action that points the finger at another and is accusatory by nature.
Question: Do you or someone you know tend towards "blaming" when trying to express anger?
In Lesson 9 we will focus on the other examples of Soft Rage.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Monday, August 9, 2010
5 Things People do that are soft rage--Lesson 7
Rage is a shape-shifter.
1. Shaming
2. Blaming
3. Criticizing
4. Preaching
5. Judging
Shaming
Shaming is one of the most commonly used forms of rage. Shame comes from the Anglo-Saxon word “screamer” meaning “to cover.” Many people have been covered in shame since childhood: “You are a disgrace to your family,” said Bill to his gay son, Roger, during a counseling session. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” says the wife of the alcoholic husband. “It is my job to put you to shame,” says the fundamentalist preacher. “I can’t believe someone as intelligent and well-read and educated as you can’t figure it out…” said Tom’s father to him regarding his failed relationship.
Shame is a psychological slap in the face to children and adults that is neither subtle nor soft.
Demeaning statements are another form shame takes and is made every few minutes when people are angry, but can’t feel or express their anger. Instead words are selected to degrade and lower self esteem. The father who is good with his hands says to the gangly, awkward twelve year old, “No matter how many times I show you how to do this, you’re never going to get it.” “What’s wrong with you? Math is easy,” says the demeaning math instructor who was most assuredly demeaned by her math instructor and walks out of the room with a load of shame.
“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.
Question: Do you or someone you know tend to "shame" people when trying to express anger?
In Lesson 8 we will examine the other 4 things in the list above. I hope it will help.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
1. Shaming
2. Blaming
3. Criticizing
4. Preaching
5. Judging
Shaming
Shaming is one of the most commonly used forms of rage. Shame comes from the Anglo-Saxon word “screamer” meaning “to cover.” Many people have been covered in shame since childhood: “You are a disgrace to your family,” said Bill to his gay son, Roger, during a counseling session. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” says the wife of the alcoholic husband. “It is my job to put you to shame,” says the fundamentalist preacher. “I can’t believe someone as intelligent and well-read and educated as you can’t figure it out…” said Tom’s father to him regarding his failed relationship.
Shame is a psychological slap in the face to children and adults that is neither subtle nor soft.
Demeaning statements are another form shame takes and is made every few minutes when people are angry, but can’t feel or express their anger. Instead words are selected to degrade and lower self esteem. The father who is good with his hands says to the gangly, awkward twelve year old, “No matter how many times I show you how to do this, you’re never going to get it.” “What’s wrong with you? Math is easy,” says the demeaning math instructor who was most assuredly demeaned by her math instructor and walks out of the room with a load of shame.
“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.
Question: Do you or someone you know tend to "shame" people when trying to express anger?
In Lesson 8 we will examine the other 4 things in the list above. I hope it will help.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
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