The Distancer as a Style of Soft Rage--Lesson 19

The Distancer is the most prevalent style. The Distancer has one foot in and one foot out of every conflict, confrontation and argument. They use one of the worst four letter words in relationships; one that communicates nothing: F-I-N-E.

Cherie says she hears this word from her husband all the time before he walks out the door. The Distancer also uses the word “whatever” quite a bit. Both words basically say, “I’m out of here and I’m not going to tell you where I’m going, when I’ll be back and you can do whatever you want and I’ll say its fine, but really it isn’t fine at all.”

If one wants to be a good distancer they can just put these two words together, “Fine! Whatever!”

The Distancer is emotionally unavailable, shut down and numb. He or she is “here” only in body, but absent in every other sense.

Question: Does "The Distancer" remind you of anyone you know?

In Lesson 20 you will discover the differences between the "enrager" and the "outrager."


For more information go to johnleebooks.com or read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

J79DSDYDHXF4

Blaming is Soft Rage--Lesson 8

Disdain is one of the most destructive of all raging statements. The one who disdains the person they are speaking to is regarding that person as worthless and for the moment, hour, or month as being unworthy of care or regard and holds them in contempt because they are beneath the one who spews disdain.
“Your sister has all the brains in this family,” the father says to the son.
The one who disdains holds the other persons’ character with contempt and scorns their very existence. In that moment, it can crush a sensitive soul.
BLAMING
Blame is thrown around fast and furiously. Like a hard metal disc thrown with accuracy and precision, blame can take the head off a loved one. “If you had only gotten into therapy when I first asked you to we wouldn’t be in this mess we’re in now,” said the wife to husband. Susan told her husband Sam during a workshop, “We can’t afford a cabin in the woods, but you wouldn’t listen. Now we may have to sell our real home and live with bears and bugs.”
We blame our parents instead of holding them accountable. We blame our accountants for not being responsible. We even shame and blame ourselves for not going into counseling or not hiring the right accountants in the first place. Blaming someone else for our mistakes, failures, and general discontent is a way to abdicate responsibility for our lives and keeps us from feeling sad, angry or hurt. Blaming is an action that points the finger at another and is accusatory by nature.

Question: Do you or someone you know tend towards "blaming" when trying to express anger?

In Lesson 9 we will focus on the other examples of Soft Rage.




For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.