The Interrogator, Intimidator and Poor Me

"What time did I tell you to be home?" "How many more times do we have to discuss this?" "Who were you with?" "How much did you have to drink?" The interrogator fires off a rapid series of questions. They have a way to make you talk.

The Intimidator gets big and loud and fills up the whole room so everyone in it will get small and quiet or they fill up the office or room with silence so thick you can cut it with a knife.

The Poor Me says, "It is not my fault I am late for the meeting. I got a phone call just as I was getting ready to leave and they just kept talking and talking. Don't blame me, blame them."

All three are forms that rage takes. Which one do you gravitate to?

There are 51 other lessons on this blog. I hope they help.

Fine and Whatever

"Fine!" says the enraged man or woman as they turn and walk away. "Whatever!" says the troubled teen as they throw up their hand in disgust and pout for the rest of the day. Put the two together--"Fine! Whatever!" and you have the three ways people go distant when it comes to conflict or confrontation. All three are soft rage and we hear or see someone using them all the time.

There are four styles of rage and the Distancer is one of them. In tomorrow's post I will go into two or three more.

There are 51 other lessons in the archive section of this blog. I hope they help.

"Don't Analyze Me"

"Are you angry with me."
"No. I'm just trying to figure you out. I want to understand why you did what you did, said what you said and didn't do what I told you to do."
Most people hate to be "analyzed" when they are not asking for it or paying for it. It is a form of disrespectful soft rage. It suggests that the person who is doing the analyzing is superior to the one getting a free Freudian session.

Have you been angry with someone but didn't want to feel it or express it and you employed some of the behaviors I have mentioned in this blog the last few days? Most of us have.

There are over 50 other lessons on anger and anger management in this blog. I hope they help.

Judge and Jury and Anger and Rage

Most people spend a lot of time judging and finding lots of people guilty. When many think they are telling someone how they feel they are really judging the other person's behavior, character, personality, decisions and actions. "You shouldn't have said what you said, did what you did,and was wrong for doing so." In other words I'm going to tell you about you and then when I get finished doing so you are going to judge how I said what I said, should have said something different or better and then when you're finished it is my turn again. At the end of this torturous trial we are all found guilty and you don't know any more about me and I don't know any more about you.

Have you been judge and jury recently while you were just "telling" someone how you feel?

There are 51 more lessons on anger and anger management in this blog. Hope it helps.

Preaching The Gospel According To You

Have you ever preached the gospel according to you? You pull out the book of Mom or Dad, Friend or Lover and turn to chapter and verse only to find out no one in your family signed up to be members of your congregation.
Don't get me wrong. If you go to church, temple, mosque you expect to get some good preachin'. Preaching "at" someone can be one of the worst kinds of soft rage.

Trying to "teach" someone can be just as abusive unless they are really registered for your class.

There are 51 other lessons on this blog. Hope it helps a little.

Unsolicited Criticism--Anger or Rage?

"You are not going out of the house looking like that? What will people think?" "You're not going to wear that to work." "A woman your age should never..." Well you get the pictures. Unsolicited criticism is one of the most subtle forms of soft rage there is. "Listen, I'm just telling you this because I love you." "I know it is none of my business BUT..."
Unless a person asks for "feedback," "input," or your advice they probably don't really want to hear it and if they do drop their boundaries and take it in anyway there will probably be resentment.

There are 51 lessons posted on this blog regarding anger, rage, regression and much more. I hope you find them useful.

Demeaning and Demoralizing and Anger

Demeaning--"I don't think you are ever going to fully understand. You just aren't that insightful." Demoralizing--"You are never going to amount to anything." Many people use demeaning and demoralizing language when they "think" they are telling someone how they feel. When we express anger appropriately we tell the other person about ourselves and when we rage we tell the person about themselves.
Raging--I'm going to tell you about you. Anger--I'm going to tell you about me.

Which one do you tend to gravitate to--shaming, blaming, demeaning, or demoralizing?

In tomorrow's blog I will go into two more raging behaviors.

There are 51 lessons on anger posted in this blog.

Shaming and Blaming

"I can't believe you would do such a thing," which is rage code for "shame on you." Blaming--"If you had gotten into therapy when I first asked you to we wouldn't be in this mess." Shaming and blaming statements are two of the behaviors that "soft rage" can take but really there is nothing "soft" about them.

Who used "shame on you" on you? When did you blame someone for your feelings?

In this blog there are 51 lessons on anger and anger management. Thanks for your support. In tomorrow's blog post I will present two more methods people tend to employ when they "think" they are telling someone how they feel. Be well.

No Joke--anger or rage?

Freud declared in his book Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious that laughter is a "discharge of psychical energy." Everyone loves a "good" joke because we can learn a lot while laughing. As the writer George Bernard Shaw said, "When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth."
However no one likes to be the "butt" of a joke. Jokes that demeans, demoralizes or belittles are more often than not a form that rage takes. Anytime you have to add at the end of a joke that "it is just a joke" it probably isn't a joke. The one telling it usually has to add, "I was just kidding."

There are 17 more things many/most people "do" when they think they are expressing their anger. Tomorrow I will look at two of the big ones. The other fifteen can be found in my book The Anger Solution. Thanks for your support.

Residual Emotional Energy

Rage is the energy of anger that has been repressed, bottled-up, swallowed, stuffed and stored in the body for so long that it becomes toxic. When this residual energy is discharged in "safe," sane ways then the response time to things, people or situations that make us angry is decreased. In the old, old days we had safe outlets like theater, real drama, real comedy just to name a few that would let us discharge and dissipate pent up emotions. Rage released in ways that hurt no one is one of the best remedies for getting current with your emotional life and increases well-being.

My blog has 51 other lessons about anger and much more as does my book The Anger Solution. I appreciate your time and support.

More Differences Between Anger and Rage

Expressing anger appropriately draws people into a conversation. Rage pushes everyone out the door. Anger can be used effectively to deal with conflicts and confrontations. Rage creates more conflict and invites chaos. Rage equals distance, disaster and divorce. Rage actually runs from conflict though it may temporarily appear as if the person doing it is engaged.

On my blog theangersolutionbyjohnlee.blogspot.com you will find 51 lessons and in my book The Anger Solution available in bookstores and online you will find even more useful info. Thanks for your continued support.

The Differences Between Anger and Rage

Anger is a feeling. Rage is an action or behavior that numbs people's feelings as successfully as any drug or alcohol. Anger is about what is happening, not happening, being said or done or not said or done in the "here and now." Rage is about what has happened in the recent or distant past. Anger takes minutes or moments at the most to be expressed appropriately and rage takes forever and forever and is never appropriate.
More differences in tomorrow's blog. See the 51 lessons already posted on The Anger Solution blog.

Question: Do you tend to express anger or rage?

Anger is a primary feeling

Many people have been told and convinced by others that anger is a "secondary" feeling or not a feeling at all but rather it covers up feelings of fear, sadness and other emotions. Rage is what covers and numbs people's feeling of sadness, fear, loneliness and even anger.
I have posted 51 lessons on this blog that will prove that anger is a feeling. In my next blog post I will tell you the differences between anger and its ugly kissin' cousin rage.

I'm Back with More Info on Anger

Anger expressed appropriately equals energy, intimacy and peace of mind. However, the key word is "appropriately." Most people have never seen, heard or spoken anger appropriately. That is what my books The Anger Solution, The Missing Peace and Facing the Fire:Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately and this daily blog is all about and much more. I hope you will join me with your questions, comments, concerns and experiences with this very misunderstood emotion.

Currently on my blog I have 51 lessons about Anger work, anger management and much more.

Question: What makes you angry quite often but you don't know how to express it?