Remember different things regress people differently but there are a few almost universal signs and signals that we are heading into our past histories. These signals are for both the one triggering the regression and the one who is feeling regressed.
STORY TIME
Here’s an example: James is a boss, who is experiencing his own regression. His company is in the red, business is off by 40%. On Friday afternoon, he says to his employee, Alex, “I want to see you in my office first thing Monday morning.” What does Alex do? If statements like James' triggers an emotional memory like the one Alex has of his mother saying something like, “Wait until your father gets home”, or “The principal is out today but he will deal with you Wednesday,” Alex will begin Story Time.
All weekend long he will make up stories about what his boss wants to talk about. Perhaps it was the fax paper he took home? No, wait. It was the personal charges made on the corporate card, or maybe worse—termination. With each worst case story, Alex gets angrier and angrier and then finally settles into rage. No one in the history of employment has ever made up the story, “Hey, I bet he wants to talk about that raise I so readily deserve.” When Alex exhausts all possible stories and gets to James' office he is exhausted and feeling about five inches tall.
Question: What story or stories do you tell yourself when your spouse doesn't call like they said they would or your children stay out later than they are allowed?
In Tomorrow's Lesson 42 we will continue with part II of Story Time and Regression and Rage.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Being Sick or ill and Regression and Rage--Lesson 40
Minor or major illness will turn a grown man or woman into a big baby who wants to curl up, be fed and read to. Don’t get me wrong, there’s not a thing wrong with this. It’s just that when illness strikes; maturity, rationality, reason, sound judgment and decisions go right out the door of the sick room. Instead of requesting nurturing and comfort, we actually go into work anyway or refuse to go see the doctor. We want to deny our condition or have someone come take care of us but we don’t ask but we will often rage until someone comes to our cribs.
When people are sick, they kick into survival mode thinking, behaving, speaking and listening. Now put them all together and you end up with inappropriate behavior.
Question: Have you ever been sick and find you are short tempered, unreasonable and maybe even raging a little?
In Lesson 41 We will see the signs that regression and rage may be headed our way.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
When people are sick, they kick into survival mode thinking, behaving, speaking and listening. Now put them all together and you end up with inappropriate behavior.
Question: Have you ever been sick and find you are short tempered, unreasonable and maybe even raging a little?
In Lesson 41 We will see the signs that regression and rage may be headed our way.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Pressure as a Regressor and Rage Producer--Lesson 39
PRESSURE
Pressure to perform, pressure to please, pressure to achieve; pressure to be or not to be. While that may be the perennial question the answer is pressure regresses. Remove the pressure and you no longer feel like you are an awkward adolescent or a stumbling toddler who can barely walk—let alone speak coherent, intelligent sentences.
Pressure leaves adults exhausted. Pressure makes us forget to eat or rest as we wrestle with real or imaginary deadlines. Enough pressure exerted long enough on coal turns it into a diamond. Too much pressure on people turns them into regressed, raging lumps of coal too tired or exhausted to move.
Question: Have you felt small or little and then let out the anger and rage when pressured?
In Lesson 40 we will see how illness makes us all too small to reach the medicine cabinet.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Pressure to perform, pressure to please, pressure to achieve; pressure to be or not to be. While that may be the perennial question the answer is pressure regresses. Remove the pressure and you no longer feel like you are an awkward adolescent or a stumbling toddler who can barely walk—let alone speak coherent, intelligent sentences.
Pressure leaves adults exhausted. Pressure makes us forget to eat or rest as we wrestle with real or imaginary deadlines. Enough pressure exerted long enough on coal turns it into a diamond. Too much pressure on people turns them into regressed, raging lumps of coal too tired or exhausted to move.
Question: Have you felt small or little and then let out the anger and rage when pressured?
In Lesson 40 we will see how illness makes us all too small to reach the medicine cabinet.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Friday, September 17, 2010
In Lesson 38 we will explore another Pre-condition for regression, anger and rage--STRESS
STRESS
Stress increases distress. When people are distressed they get tense. Tension leads to contraction of body, mind and soul. When people are stressed and in distress you can give them suggestions, advice, feedback, counseling, books to read, counselors to see, and none of it is taken in. All roll right of the stressed, regressed person like water off a duck’s back and they often even feel offended and let you know it in no uncertain terms by raging .
Not much that comes out of the stressed, distressed individual makes much sense. It usually lacks coherency, and continuity; conversations are convoluted and confusing at best.
Now for the bad news—as if the above wasn’t bad enough—when we hear the word stress we immediately think—Welcome to the American workplace where stress has become the norm. Americans are working harder and longer and with less vacation time than ever. Cost of living rises while jobs are scarce and salaries decline. Work is outsourced to other countries. The average American worker is scared, exhausted, disconnected and regressed.
The other negative quote we hear in our heads about stress is, “Welcome to the average American home.” Both parents are working, trying to make ends meet. Children have less supervision and interaction with parents, particularly the father. Studies show on average fathers spend less than two hours per week with their children. More and more children are being raised in one parent homes. In much of the western world divorce occurs in one out of two marriages. All of these factors come together and you have stress, distress and more and more regression, more and more unabated rage.
Question: When you get stressed do you feel like curling up under the covers and wishing that the world would go away and when it doesn't do you get angry and sometimes rage?
In Lesson 39 We will explore pressure to perform as a regressor and rage producer.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Stress increases distress. When people are distressed they get tense. Tension leads to contraction of body, mind and soul. When people are stressed and in distress you can give them suggestions, advice, feedback, counseling, books to read, counselors to see, and none of it is taken in. All roll right of the stressed, regressed person like water off a duck’s back and they often even feel offended and let you know it in no uncertain terms by raging .
Not much that comes out of the stressed, distressed individual makes much sense. It usually lacks coherency, and continuity; conversations are convoluted and confusing at best.
Now for the bad news—as if the above wasn’t bad enough—when we hear the word stress we immediately think—Welcome to the American workplace where stress has become the norm. Americans are working harder and longer and with less vacation time than ever. Cost of living rises while jobs are scarce and salaries decline. Work is outsourced to other countries. The average American worker is scared, exhausted, disconnected and regressed.
The other negative quote we hear in our heads about stress is, “Welcome to the average American home.” Both parents are working, trying to make ends meet. Children have less supervision and interaction with parents, particularly the father. Studies show on average fathers spend less than two hours per week with their children. More and more children are being raised in one parent homes. In much of the western world divorce occurs in one out of two marriages. All of these factors come together and you have stress, distress and more and more regression, more and more unabated rage.
Question: When you get stressed do you feel like curling up under the covers and wishing that the world would go away and when it doesn't do you get angry and sometimes rage?
In Lesson 39 We will explore pressure to perform as a regressor and rage producer.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Hunger as a Pre-Condition For Regression and Anger --Lesson 37
HUNGER
When a person has gone too long without food—there’s that word again, “Too”, the brain loses oxygen and blood flow. That, in turn, leads to a lack of self-soothing chemicals like serotonin, neo-epinephrine and oxytocin. Extreme hunger makes us lose our patience, poise and practicality. Hunger takes us back to infancy as quickly as anything can. Once a person’s blood sugar is significantly altered we yell at spouses when supper is not served on time much like we did in the crib when nourishment was slow in coming. Adults who are very hungry watch the second hand on their watches to see if the waitress indeed comes to our table in “a minute” after seating us. We may swear at the wait staff as if they were slaves instead of servers.
Question: Have you ever been so hungry that minutes seem to drag and feel like hours and then your "temper" was very short?
In Lesson 38 we will explore another Pre-condition for regression, anger and rage--STRESS
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
When a person has gone too long without food—there’s that word again, “Too”, the brain loses oxygen and blood flow. That, in turn, leads to a lack of self-soothing chemicals like serotonin, neo-epinephrine and oxytocin. Extreme hunger makes us lose our patience, poise and practicality. Hunger takes us back to infancy as quickly as anything can. Once a person’s blood sugar is significantly altered we yell at spouses when supper is not served on time much like we did in the crib when nourishment was slow in coming. Adults who are very hungry watch the second hand on their watches to see if the waitress indeed comes to our table in “a minute” after seating us. We may swear at the wait staff as if they were slaves instead of servers.
Question: Have you ever been so hungry that minutes seem to drag and feel like hours and then your "temper" was very short?
In Lesson 38 we will explore another Pre-condition for regression, anger and rage--STRESS
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Exhaustion as a Pre-Condition for Regression and Anger: Lesson 36
PRE-CONDITIONS FOR REGRESSION
There are five physical, psychological and emotional states that if avoided will minimize the number of times and tendencies to regress, get small, or lose it. I often point out that these states are not only common but really a part of almost everyone’s personal and professional life. Many work places like Google spend time and energy reducing these preconditions and that is part of the reason they receive over four thousand applications per day.
1. EXHAUSTION
Mental or physical exhaustion greatly increases one’s time in the past. Extreme tiredness can make a grown man or woman yearn for their care-free college days or a perpetual extended beach vacation. Exhaustion can take us out of the pre-frontal, rational neo-cortex. It can send us to pre-verbal state of the reptilian brain and either curl up and take a long, winter’s nap.
Exhaustion makes us more susceptible to verbal, emotional or physical abuse from bosses, parents, our children or people in authority. It makes our skin paper thin and we tend to lose our ability to say things like, “No”, “No more”, “Enough”, or “Stop.”
When we’re tired we can’t think about the big picture. We exchange things that are good for us for short term, temporary fixes. We tend to settle for much less than we want or deserve in personal or professional situations and even relationships. We have a “short fuse”; we’re grouchy, irritable, impatient and impractical. We say and do things we may regret for years to come. We rage at the too slow lady in front of us at the store checkout line and swear at the DMV.
Question: Does exhaustion ever make you yearn for the comfort of a blanky and a bottle?
In Lesson 37 we will look at how being excessively hungry can trigger a regressive outburst of anger or rage.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
There are five physical, psychological and emotional states that if avoided will minimize the number of times and tendencies to regress, get small, or lose it. I often point out that these states are not only common but really a part of almost everyone’s personal and professional life. Many work places like Google spend time and energy reducing these preconditions and that is part of the reason they receive over four thousand applications per day.
1. EXHAUSTION
Mental or physical exhaustion greatly increases one’s time in the past. Extreme tiredness can make a grown man or woman yearn for their care-free college days or a perpetual extended beach vacation. Exhaustion can take us out of the pre-frontal, rational neo-cortex. It can send us to pre-verbal state of the reptilian brain and either curl up and take a long, winter’s nap.
Exhaustion makes us more susceptible to verbal, emotional or physical abuse from bosses, parents, our children or people in authority. It makes our skin paper thin and we tend to lose our ability to say things like, “No”, “No more”, “Enough”, or “Stop.”
When we’re tired we can’t think about the big picture. We exchange things that are good for us for short term, temporary fixes. We tend to settle for much less than we want or deserve in personal or professional situations and even relationships. We have a “short fuse”; we’re grouchy, irritable, impatient and impractical. We say and do things we may regret for years to come. We rage at the too slow lady in front of us at the store checkout line and swear at the DMV.
Question: Does exhaustion ever make you yearn for the comfort of a blanky and a bottle?
In Lesson 37 we will look at how being excessively hungry can trigger a regressive outburst of anger or rage.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Certain Words Can Trigger Regression and Rage--Lesson 35
Certain words trigger regressions. During a couples’ session, Sam told his wife Luanne that when they would fight and she’d say before walking away, “I hate you!” he would lose it every time and want to get in his car and never come back. “I don’t know what it is about those words that make me feel about five years old. They scare me to death.”
After Luanne took a break, I asked Sam to try and remember where he’d heard those words before. What he discovered was emotional memories that had been buried alive in him for decades. When his father and mother fought what he called knock-down, drag out fights, just as his father would leave and not come back sometimes his mother would say, “I hate you!”
“Every time Luanne says those words she becomes my mom and I become a little boy wondering if and when I’ll ever see my father again.”
When Luanne returned, Sam told her about his parents’ fights and about the words his mother used. Luanne cried and said she didn’t know this and that she would promise to try and never say those words again and that she was sad that he had to hear those painful words as a child. They fell into each other’s arms and wept.
Question: Are there certain words that trigger a disproportional response?
In Lesson 36 we will explore the pre-conditions for emotional regression, anger and rage.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
After Luanne took a break, I asked Sam to try and remember where he’d heard those words before. What he discovered was emotional memories that had been buried alive in him for decades. When his father and mother fought what he called knock-down, drag out fights, just as his father would leave and not come back sometimes his mother would say, “I hate you!”
“Every time Luanne says those words she becomes my mom and I become a little boy wondering if and when I’ll ever see my father again.”
When Luanne returned, Sam told her about his parents’ fights and about the words his mother used. Luanne cried and said she didn’t know this and that she would promise to try and never say those words again and that she was sad that he had to hear those painful words as a child. They fell into each other’s arms and wept.
Question: Are there certain words that trigger a disproportional response?
In Lesson 36 we will explore the pre-conditions for emotional regression, anger and rage.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.
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