Certain Body Language Can Trigger Us--Lesson 34

Experts and researchers in body language report that 85% to 95% of all communication is non-verbal. So no matter how many foreign languages one masters the body speaks louder and more precisely than our words.
A raised eyebrow at the wrong moment can send a person back to sitting in an uncomfortable pew listening to a pastor pointing out how they have failed or sinned. The crossing of arms, hands on hips, pursed lips or the drumming of the fingers on a table can all become temporary time-traveling devices that lead us back to the anger and rage we couldn’t show or articulate at the time.

Question: Is there a particular body posture that sends you back to childhood?

In Lesson 35 we will take a look at how certain words trigger anger and rage.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Why Certain "Looks" or "Sounds" Can Trigger Regression and Rage--Lesson 33

CERTAIN LOOKS
Everyone has seen the “look of love”, but looks can exude less than happy vibes. The way someone looks at you can trigger a regression. The amygdala remembers only rough, raw details to keep us safe. A woman who looks at a man can be misinterpreted and misconstrued and illicit the phrase, “Why are you looking at me like that?” She might respond, “Like what?” And if he were not regressed he might say, “Like the look the father gave me when he wanted to punish me, or “A football coach in Jr. High”, or “my mother.” This part of the brain doesn’t remember the details as to whether the perceived threat, real or imagined, came from a man or woman.

CERTAIN SOUNDS
Randy almost disappears into thin air every time he hears a fire truck’s siren. “I can’t help it. That sound scares me to death. When I was seven our house burned to the ground and we barely got out alive. Now no matter where I am, if I hear the siren I go right back to that moment even though the fire was over fifty years ago.”
One afternoon in a couples session with Julie and Rachel, they shared with each other things that made each angry and frustrated. Suddenly Julie said to Rachel, “Why are taking that tone of voice with me?” Ultimately, we discovered it was a similar tone her ex-husband would take many times during their marriage.

Question: Have you ever been triggered just by the way someone was looking at you?

In Lesson 34 We will explore "Body Language" and how it communicates volumes.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

"Too Little" Can Be A Regressor That Leads To Rage: Lesson 32

The other very popular regression producer is “too little.” Again the phrase “too little, too late” comes to mind. All the things that regress people when they are given in excess can just easily regress others if they aren’t given enough of it. The lack or small amount of anything like food, touch or attention propels them into that small, little feeling.

Too little tenderness, sex, rest, solitude, or companionship can transfer a person right back to their past. Our bodies, minds, and psyche need order and balance to function properly. This deprivation keeps you regressed until you balance things out.

Think back to the children’s story of The Three Bears and Goldie Locks. This is a remedial way of teaching about regression and how children and grownups must find out what is “Just Right” for them. The job that is too big can repel us out of the present. A job that does not stimulate us is too little. A visit with one’s parents that is too long leaves us wanting a blanky and a bottle. Visits that are too infrequent and too short leave us longing and lying down in a short bed of regression.

Question: If you get "too little" of what can make you feel small or little?

In Lesson 33 we will explore some non-verbal triggers.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Other Potential Regressors that Can Lead To Rage--Lesson 31

TOO MUCH

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Too much of a good thing.” For many “too much” is one of the triggers of emotional regression. Too much of nearly anything is fertile ground for the seeds of regression to burst into full bloom. For example: too much alcohol, drugs or chemicals turn full grown adults into raging, fighting teenagers or children who take their toys and go home.

Too much money can make one regress. Before you balk at that statement, think of the history and statistics of lottery winners. Fifty percent of those winners are in worse financial shape two years after winning than they were prior to holding the magic numbers. But even if you aren’t cursed with the problem of excess money, you have probably experienced too much talking or stimulation or food. When you get out of balance and overindulge in anything, you will pay the price—regression.

Too much criticism, blaming, preaching or teaching can turn an adult into a raging tantrum-throwing child. You have people at work or home that will feel overwhelmed, resentful and enraged when you give them too much attention or information.

Question: Can you identify what is "too much" of something that triggers an outburst of anger or rage?


In Lesson 32 we will examine "Too Little" and how it can trigger regression.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

An Exercise That Points To Regression--Lesson 30

The previous pages have provided you with real case histories that illustrate the different forms regression and the accompanying rage can take. Look at the following list and find the triggers for your own regression and then use this information to help catch yourself falling into regression.

EXERCISE
On a scale of 1-5, circle the ones that very often trigger a regression; it makes you feel small, little, less than the powerful adult you are or makes you tend to lose it.

SHAMING 1 2 3 4 5
BLAMING 1 2 3 4 5
CRITICIZING 1 2 3 4 5
PREACHING 1 2 3 4 5
TEACHING THAT IS PATRONIZING 1 2 3 4 5
JUDGING 1 2 3 4 5
ANALYZING 1 2 3 4 5
SARCASM 1 2 3 4 5
PUT-DOWNS 1 2 3 4 5
JOKES AT OTHER’S EXPENSE 1 2 3 4 5
SABOTAGE 1 2 3 4 5
CONTROL 1 2 3 4 5
MANIPULATION 1 2 3 4 5
LIES 1 2 3 4 5
GOSSIP 1 2 3 4 5
ONE-UPSMANSHIP 1 2 3 4 5

Now, look at the boxes where you checked 4’s and 5’s. When buttons are pushed, how old do you feel? In other words, if you put a 4 or 5 in Criticism or Sarcasm, what age in your life did these take you back to?

Question: Which of the above do you see as major triggers for regression and possibly rage?

In Lesson 31 you will find another list of possible regressors that can lead to soft rage.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Present Person People Erasing with Regression--Lesson 29

"You’re just like my first husband or “You are all alike,” “All women lie,” “All men cheat,” “You’re just like the other therapist.” These phrases suggest present person people erasing; meaning that they replace the human being in front of them with someone from their past and then they rage.

When someone’s past is triggered they tend to vent with the one who triggered the emotional memory. Or they tend to go to the least objectionable person possible.

When Jackie’s husband left her she said, “The first thing I did was call my mother, that’s how regressed I was. My mother didn’t finish calling him names before saying, ‘I told you when I met Jimmy that he wasn’t any good for you and that you could have done much better. Maybe you’ll listen to your mother next time.’ I felt about two years old. When she got through berating my husband, who by the way came back and we eventually worked everything out, I was looking for a womb to crawl into and more enraged with her than when I was with him.”

Question:When was the last time you got triggered and regressed and raged?

In Lesson 30 you will be given an exercise to see what things trigger you the most.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Emotional Regression: A "Present People Eraser"--Lesson 28

Another powerful way to think about emotional regression is that it is a present person people eraser. When Adrian and his wife Sandra argue, “She throws things; her purse, pillows, nothing hard and she doesn’t throw them at me, but it’s like I see my father who did throw things at me when he was mad. He hurt me several times. I got a black eye once. I turn this five feet two inch, ninety pound wife who wouldn’t hurt a fly into a six foot, two hundred pound dad from forty some years ago,” he said during a session about his fears of anger and rage. Adrian’s regression caused Sandra to disappear, and his father to come back out of the past.

Question: Have you ever made someone disappear during extreme anger or rage or have you ever said to someone, "You don't see me or "I'm not your mother or father or ex?

In Lesson 29 I will provide further examples of how we transform a present person into a past person.

For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.