Not Talking Enough As A Sign of Regression and Rage--Lesson 51

Your partner, boss, or friend looks at you patiently with baited breath. They drum their fingers on the kitchen table or pat their knees as they wait for you to talk. The silence is deafening. Forgetting that they are talking to a forty-year old man and not a child of four, they ask, “So what do you have to say for yourself?” Or perhaps these tried and failed words are spoken, while you are lost in your history, “I don’t hear anything,” “You do know it is your turn to talk.”
The temporarily mute person searches the corners of their mind for the right words that can be used to resolve the conflict before shrugging and blurting out,” I don’t have anything to say,” “What do you want me to say?” “Just write it up and I’ll confess and sign,” or they just storm out of the room.

The words won’t come. Hours later, the dumbfounded person finally thinks of what they should have said and repeats the responses over and over in their heads. They return to the logical, reasonable, rational, choice-making, word choosing portion of the brain and then analyze what went wrong. They realize they weren’t being grilled by an irate parent but just or angry husband or wife. They understand it wasn’t the junior high principal that caught them smoking when they were thirteen but rather a boss who wanted to know why the project they were working on wasn’t finished.
The right words come too late and we feel foolish, small, and little and certainly less powerful then we usually are. The tightening in the chest, the clinched jaw, and the grinding our teeth at night are all still there. The tension and stress is locked in the body, and is not set free until they get the release they long for, which may be followed by rage.


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Choicelessness and Brain Chemistry & Rage and Regression--Lesson 50

When a painful, traumatic, hurtful, or unpleasant memory is triggered we leave the neo-cortex, bypass the Limbic or mammal brain, and head straight to the reptilian brain. As Dr. Peter Levine states in his seminal work, Waking the Tiger, “For the reptile, conscious choice is not an option.” He goes further to say, “The neo-cortex is not powerful enough to override the instinctual defense response to threat and danger.”

The other option is to run away from the perceived threat to somewhere safe, like a cave or the cave of our own minds and hide until we are out of danger. If we can’t do either we go into freeze or suspended animation for the duration of the bad marriage or less than desired work situation. In other words, choices that can be seen by others regarding our particular regressive situation cannot be seen by us until we return to the neo-cortex.

Question: Have you been able to see choices for others when they could see none for themselves?


For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.

Why Brain Chemistry Makes Us Feel Choicless--Lesson 49

Choice is a function of the neo-cortex or the new brain. Scientists tell us this portion of the human brain is roughly ten thousand years old. This new brain is capable of rational and logical thought processes. According to Antonio Damasio, In The Feeling What Happens, the neo-cortex permits, “fine perceptions, language, and high reason. It allows us to ‘think’ about our choices and reason out our options.” The neo-cortex and the developed pre-frontal lobes are basically inactive during the regressed state.

During regression, it is our reptilian or “old brain” that is in charge. This section of the human brain is what we share with reptiles; it has been keeping humans safe for over one hundred thousand years. This brain is only capable of performing the most basic functions; eating, excreting, and procreating and is limited when there is a threat to our physical or emotional survival—real or imagined. It tells us to do one of three things—fight, flight, and freeze.

Question: When was the last time you felt the only choices you had were to fight with words, run away by shutting down, or freezing until the situation was over?

In Lesson 50 we will continue to look at choicelessness and brain chemistry.
For more information go to johnleebooks.com and read The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Attaining Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, The Missing Peace--all available on Amazon.com.